At all cost....

Lately, I have been really terrible body image and I am not really sure where to direct my anger and frustration, other than placing the blame on myself. I have started taking diet pills and water pills and lax again. That is the only thing that is helping me to feel better about all the crap that's happening in my life right now. I want to just dispear and at this point I am doing what I have to do to get there at all cost.

Thoughts....

I'm really having a hard time and I am not really sure what to do about it. I feel so lost. I feel so ugly. I hate having bulimia. But yet I am so afraid to let it go. It continues to damage my teeth. On Thursday while eating a apple my toth came out. It is he tooth that is next to my front tooth. It angers me so much. I brush my teeth twice a day, I visit the dentist on a regular schedule and nothing seems to be getting better when it comes to my teeth and I am the one to blame, but yet I can't stop this addictive behavior. I have been through Renfrew intensive outpatient twice. Renfrew day program and intense therapy at Dominion Hospital and I know all the consequences but it is stil not clicking. I know a lot of this has to do with the stress that is occurring on my jobs, but I can t change that but I can control the things that I but in my body a d how I get rid of it. I feel like I am a hopeless cause. I and I don't see the point in trying anymore.