Struggling

Struggling it seems just to make it minute by minute. Just tired. I'm fustrated. I have been working really hard not to restrict my caloric intake, but that seems to be getting harder by the day. For instance, today I had a string cheese for breakfast and 160z of water. No lunch, was running around in meetings and other job related things. I normally eat lunch at 12pm. before I know it, it was 1:45pm. And I decided against lunch, due to not want to force myself to eat anything, figured that I was getting off at 3, so what was the point, I "could" grab something once arriving home. Well, I did not. Instead came home, rested for about a hour and then decided on going to the gym. I spent 3 hours there. I think a lot this onset has been triggered by 2 things: 1st Last week my Dr gave me the DX of Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.(EDNOS). Which basically for me is: I don't fit the entire qulifications for either anorexia or bulimia. Which truthfuly doesn't surprise me. I restrict often. I just can't see myself eating 1,200 calories a day. That is a heck of a lot of food. No Thank You!!! Eating is one thing that cause me a lot of anxiety.

2. I went to the Dr on Saturday and she also changed my medications. She uped all of my meds!!! :~( I asked her why and she told me that I know why. Well a part of me does. Yes, I know you asked me to keep a food log, which I did. But, I'm guessing you did not like the fact that there weren't many days with in the past 2 weeks that indicate that I was eating anything. I know this seems to bother you. But, my question for you is, if it does not bother me, why should it bother you? I feel fine. I didn't lose any weight these past 2 weeks, so I must be doing something right. Although, these really bothers me. Once I get to the target weight that I have set for myself then maybe, somethings will be diffirent. Until then, the only thing that I'm seeking is some sort of peace and understanding.

Thoughts: Jan. 23, 2010

Who and what you neglect on this level that is necessary for your next level will hinder any other level. Address what needs to be addressed! Don't sweep it under the rub and spray perfume over it, deal with it or it will deal with you! Your private anointing should be as heavy as your public anointing!

thoughts

Still feeling the same way that I did yesterday. But a part of me feels that it may get better before it gets worse. I actually took the time to read over my treatment plan and now I feel that I should not have done that. I googled my DX scores. I learned that one of my Dx scores indicates that I have Eating Disorder Otherwise Specified, which basically means to my understand, that I don't fit the all the medical criteria for either anorexia or bulimia. I know that I have a issue with my eating habits. For example lately, I have not been eating after 330pm. I know that this is not healthy, but this the only way that I feel that I am able to control some part of my life. I feel so over whelmed and stressed and I won't talk to anyone about it because I feel that either no one cares or that I am bothering them in some way by telling them what is bothering me. I just keep telling people that I'm fine. And as of right now, so far so good. Not sure what I would do if people would start questioning me. I like the fact that I am finally starting to lose weight and I don't want to be forced to stop because someone feels that I have to or need to.

I'm sad, and I feel that there is nothing that I can do about it. I went to see a therapist yesterday. She is cool and all, but I get the feeling that I am not able to talk to her about what is going on with me. I think my most challenge issue is my eating disorder. I can't talk to her about. I feel that since I am black and she is white, there is no way that she is going to understand anything that I go through. I understand that eating disorders aren't about colors, they are about the emotions and the anxiety that a person feels and the need for the person to be in control. That's not the entire thing, but that is a start. But anyway....I feel that no one is going to understand why I have the ED.I don't lok like I have a eating disorder. But trust me, I do. I have lost about 23 pounds in the past month and I have been done so by restricting my food intake or purging the small about of food that I allow myself to eat. No one know this though. There are a few people that think I have starting seeing a weight loss doctor and that is partly true. I go to get the B12 and Lipo Disolve shots and the medications. I tale a fluid pill and, a sugar pill and a appetite suppressant. There are a few people that I know that if they know the things that I actually am doing, I would be in a world of trouble. I just feel that this is the only thing that is going to make me happy and help me to love myself. I don't have a family, per se. But I have awesome friends.

Haters are a key ingredient while God is making you and necessary for where He is taking you! You employ your haters because their full time job is hating on you.

In order to make some perpetual improvements in your life this year, the first thing you need to settle in your mind is that what happened to you in the past is not your potential. File what happened under "It Had to Happen" and recognize that what happened to you is not who you are now! Your existing, identifiable sca...rs from your past are the qualifiers for the level and arena that God is about to trust you into!

Reconciliation does not mean automatic reconnection and reconnection does not mean one has to reestablish the level of connectivity that once was! We need to break this spirit of entitlement that is so prevalent in relationships on any level! Not this year! Can't do it, won't do it! ::Forgiveness does not always mean Access::

If God orchestrated you getting there, He can orchestrate keeping you there! I don't care if the money has ran out, who won't sign on the dotted line and who is causing deliberate delays. When Gods hand is on it, He will bring what needs to be brought to pass to fruition! God has the final say!

Ever notice that some folks carry the spirit of Confusion and its cousin Chaos everywhere they go.....and its never their fault and they are always a victim. :: I'm just sayin :~) ::

Happy New Year

The most frequent accusation made by a hater in the new year is "you acting brand-new!" Let me help everyone out! Tell your haters "I'm not acting brand new, I am new and improved!" Their attention is drawn to you because you are on a new level and they have fallen between the crack called "stuck between levels" and the "same ole level". You are brand new! It's not an act, it's your new status