Lost...........

I am beyond angry right now. I hate the fact that I feel so out of control. There isn't anything that I can do about. Why did Suntrust cancel my checking account. Yeah, I know there has been 7 months of inactivity, but that wasn't my fault, DAMN IT!!!! I have been in FUCKIN treatment and out of work. My mind is really racing right now. I just had dinner, because I started to feel nausea. I'm angry because I have allowed my eating disorder defeat me today. 2 meals and not all exchanges during those meals!! WTF, I'm not acting like I want recovery, I act as if I want my eating disorder for ever. What is wrong with me? I feel so lose and out of control. All I want to do is to be happy. But why does it seem the only way that I am going to be happy is if I lose weight? I went as far as to take diet pills today and it made me feel great in the moment and now I feel nothing but guilt.

We had a snow storm yesterday and that caused schools to close today. Their opening on a 2hr delay tomorrow. And I'm not going because I canceled transportation because my pick up time was for the normal times that I am suppose to arrive at work. I'm at the point where I don't even care about my job anymore. I have been out of work for the last week because I have been sick, I needed to get a physical for Renfrew. I have a opened wound and I am antibiotics. I sent a email to the principal explaining to her what has been going on with my health and he response has really hurt me to the core. I had a high expectations that things would be different and their not and I thought I was in a better place to handle things and I am not and it bothers me. I hate this. The only thing that I want is to be happy...is that to much to ask? I am on slippery slope to no where fast.

This is the respone from my principal

"Ms. Young,

I understand your situation; however, please keep in mind that my first concern is that students are receiving the services they deserve. Since returning, you have had several absences. As a result, I must request medical documentation for subsequent absences. I will formalize this request in the form of a memorandum.

Please try to arrange your schedule so that you may attend your appointments and work simultaneously. I hope you feel better."

Sorry I caught a bug, sorry I needed to get a physical and blood work done. Sorry I've been placed on antibiotics. Sorry I can't walk on ice because out of fear of falling. I'm sorry my first concern is MYSELF and my HEALTH.

I feel like crap and rejected, I just want to be happy and health and apparently that is too much to ask.

So many emotions flowing through me right now....

Hopeless.........

I'm slowly losing hope of ever recovering from this damn eating disorder. I am going to be graduating on Feb. 10 from IOP. And I still feel the same, if not worse than when I entered day treatment on Aug. 6. I'm not suppose to be downing diet pills as if it were candy. I'm not suppose to know my weight, let alone weighing myself at least 15 times a day, hoping that every time I step on the scale the numbers will read differently than they did an hour or maybe even every 30 mins. I hate this feeling, I just want to be happy. I still feel that my weight defines me. It is really difficult that I'm already getting excited about discharge, not because I recovered, but because I can return to my eating disorder and weight loss full time. First goal is to lose 30 pounds by my b-day. I can do this.

I feel like I can't do this anymore. I had a tough day at Renfrew. I'm fustrated that there is a part of me that really does not desire recovery. I'm really getting to the point were I'm litereally faking it to I make it. Sarah asked me today if I really want to recover. I hate when she asked me that because in my mind I want to say no I don't want to recovery. But a part of me says that I have to be the perfect person and say yes I won't to recover. I have been doing recovery for nearly 6 months. When is enough going to be enough. I want to be happy but, what is making me not do the things that I know that I need to do. Why is this eating disorder voice so strong. Why won't it just stop playing these tricks on me. I don't want to give into the eating disorder, but I feel that I have no choice. I'm really starting to think that I am going to starting going to weight watchers again. I think that will do me some good. At least I will be losing weight. That's all that matters to me at this point. I need to be happy and I am not sure how to do that anymore. I really just feel like I want to just write in my food logs and on my check informs what staff want to hear, because then that will stop the questions of wanting to know if I want to recover. I want to lose weight, that is what I want to do. just getting to a certain number that I have decide is safe is what I am going to do. I am going to start getting ride of all the not so safe foods. I don't care what it takes and if I end back at Renfrew, I have to get rid of this damn weight

Tough thoughts and struggles......

I don't know how much of this I am going to be able to take. When and I am going to start believing the things that are being said to me, by the staff at Renfrew. I know that they know what they are talking about, but the hardest thing that bothers me is that I feel that no one understands me. At least that is what my eating disorder tells me. I know that my treatment would not be telling me these lies. I just want to believe them so bad. But it is hard. I have managed to stick to all exchanges this weekend. Which is the first time in awhile that I have been able to to do this. I am not sure how long I am going to be able to keep this up. Because there is a part of me that wants to lose 50 pounds using symptoms. But then that means I would have wasted thousands of dollars on treatment. And that is not cool.

I have been really sad these few weeks. I don't want to do anything. I am now back at work after being on medical leave for 8 months. And sadly nothing at work has changed and it bothers me. What is the point of being assertive if no one is going to listen to the things that I have to say. At times I feel that it is best that I keep quiet as to not offend anyone. I know that I am having the wrong type of attitude but, I am just not happy. I am worried because although I am back at work, I have to wait another 2 weeks before I receive a pay check, I have not paid my bills this month yet and it seems that I am going to be doubling up on them. I don't even have enough to pay for treatment for the next 2 weeks, what I am I going to do. I hate the feeling of being helpless and hopeless. Damn, it the only thing I want is to be happy with myself. But I don't feel that I am worth it. I need, help.

Short Update

I just finished my first full work week in 8 months because I had in day treatment for my eating disorder. And my treatment team felt that it would be in my best interest if I waited until after the holidays to return to work. I really enjoy the staff at Ren, But one thing that is really starting to annoy the hell out of me is when staff continuously tell me that I should know something by now because I have been in treatment for 8 months. I really wish that was the case. I have a hard time talking about my personal life and no one gets it. I hate the fact that my eating disorder is having this much control over my life. I feel that I have no support, so that makes things twice as hard. I want to be happy, but at times it doesn't seem worth it.

New Year............

I guess I should start off by saying Happy New Year. I am really trying to stay positive when it comes to sticking to all my meal plan exchanges. This is a new year, so what not make things right. So far so good. I went to the store and spent 112 on grocerys to make sure that I have all the exchanges that I need for breakfast and lunch. I think I did a pretty good job. I need to make a spread sheet to share with my therapist.