I feel like I can't do this anymore. I had a tough day at Renfrew. I'm fustrated that there is a part of me that really does not desire recovery. I'm really getting to the point were I'm litereally faking it to I make it. Sarah asked me today if I really want to recover. I hate when she asked me that because in my mind I want to say no I don't want to recovery. But a part of me says that I have to be the perfect person and say yes I won't to recover. I have been doing recovery for nearly 6 months. When is enough going to be enough. I want to be happy but, what is making me not do the things that I know that I need to do. Why is this eating disorder voice so strong. Why won't it just stop playing these tricks on me. I don't want to give into the eating disorder, but I feel that I have no choice. I'm really starting to think that I am going to starting going to weight watchers again. I think that will do me some good. At least I will be losing weight. That's all that matters to me at this point. I need to be happy and I am not sure how to do that anymore. I really just feel like I want to just write in my food logs and on my check informs what staff want to hear, because then that will stop the questions of wanting to know if I want to recover. I want to lose weight, that is what I want to do. just getting to a certain number that I have decide is safe is what I am going to do. I am going to start getting ride of all the not so safe foods. I don't care what it takes and if I end back at Renfrew, I have to get rid of this damn weight