Hating myself more and more.....

I fuckin can't do this anymore!! I hate my body and there isn't anything that I can do about it. I meet with my nutritionist today and it really sucked. I wasn't expected to get weighed today, but I guess that would make sense I am in a eating disorder clinic, but fuck. I was honest about my symptom usage even to the point were I told her about the diet pill usage. I'm angry because my eating disorder symptoms used to work before Renfrew and now they don't. Why!?!?! Sarah keeps talking about a set point weight. What is that? I feel whatever it is, I have a long way before I am even there. I want all of this weight gone, and I feel that I am not able to stop symptoms until the weight is gone. Very eating disorder, but that is how I feel.

It is so easy to return to the way things used to be.....

I'm really having a difficult time with symptoms. I did not sleep well and I know that I had to come to work today. I did not want to allow the snow to stop me from coming in. I think a lot of that had to do with email correspondence that I had with the principal. But anyway, that is neither here nor there. I did not get any sleep last night and the first thing that I did this morning was to have a diet coke and some diet pills. I took the diet pills because I knew they were going to give me the energy that I needed to make it through the day. They were also going to stop the hunger. My hunger and fullness cues are out of tone with my body anyway so it is not really like that make a bit of a difference.

I know that I shouldn't be using symptoms, but that is the only way that I can seem to cope with anything that is going on in my life right now. I wonder if Colleen got in touch with my mom yet.

giving up................

I'm really struggling today. I'm tired of feeling like this. I am not longer happy and I'm sick of putting on this front. Recovery sucks ass and I don't know why I am struggling so much. I have only had 3 pieces of pizza today and it is almost 9pm. I feel like I am back at square one. I can't tell people the truth because they keep telling me that I should know certain things by now and I don't. But I can't tell them anything because I feel that they won't get it. I don't understand what is happening with me. I want to quiet treatment. I need the money that I am using for treatment for for other things. I hate this, I am so lonely.

fustrated

I am beyond frustrated with myself. I haven't been out of IOP for a week yet and I am already slipping fast into old eating disorder habits. I have been restricting and using other symptoms. I posted a few concerns on the Renfrew's FB page and low and behold, I get a call from my therapist last night telling me that she is concerned about me because of the comment that I placed on the message board asking for support. I don't feel that I have done anything wrong, but I am sure that something is going to be said on friday. I just feel at a loss because I am slowly sleeping back into old habits and I can't stop.

I am so frustrated with everything right now. I really don't feel that anything is ever going to get any better. I'm tired of having to fight this battle alone, and not getting any where. All I am asking for is support and I am not getting it. And for what ever Colleen seems to think that telling my mom about my eating disorder is going to cause my mom to want to support me more. Well guess what I seriously doubt that is going to be the case. I sent my mom a text telling her about the past 7 months of my life and my eating disorder treatment. And I haven't heard anything. I doubt that I will and I hate this, the only thing that I am asking for is support and I am not getting it. I want to stay with the eating disorder, it seems to be my only friend the only thing that will listen and support me.

I don't feel that anything has changed regarding my eating disorder behavior and that is really frustrating. I am still taking diet pills and laxatives and weighing myself multiple times a day. I am hoping to lose X amount of pounds by June. I wonder if is possible to lose 20 pounds in a month. Well it can't hurt to try can it.