Random thoughts at this current momment. ....

I fuckin hate when people try and make decsions for me!! Your not me so don't even try. Because you have decided to be selfish and not want to be around me I'm left here thinking that there is something wrong with me. Although, logically I know that it is not. I just feel comepletly worthless and even hopeless at times. The only thing that is keeping me focused right now is the number that I am seeing on the scale. Yes, I am allowing that number to control how I feel. Only because it is the verything that is keeping me at peace right now. I love the fact that when I step on the scale the number is getting smaller. I love setting small goals for myself. This is in hope that one day I will which my ultimite weight goal. on't ask me what that is because I am not telling. I will just say that my 1st short term goal is to lose 15 pounds by June 8. Which I think is totally doable. Partly, becasue there is no food in my house and I don't have the time nor do I desire to make the time to go shopping for food anytime soon. I am heading to a therapy session now and I after that I will be going ohme ot lace up my running shoes. I have found the obsession of running and it feels so freeing.

Mixed Emotions and hoplessness..................

I don't feel safe anymore. I just left my therapy session with Collen and let's just say that I am having really bad urges to use symptoms right now and I so could but I am doing my best to set with this feeling of being full. I am not sure hiw much longer I am going to be able set with feeling. Collen kept saying the more that I stick with my meal plan exchanges the better I feel. But I am seriuosly doubting that because right now I have been sitting with this feeling for about a hour and I feel so much worse now than when I first down to have this damn tea and a small cookie thing from Startbucks.

Colleen asked what had i eaten since this morning. I told her and she said so you basically only had 4 exchanges today. Well, yea if you want to put it that way, I only had 4 exchanges now 6 so I hope that makes her happy. Collen then later told me that she feels that the reason that I am not trying to add structure into my summer is because she feels that I am not ready to give up my ED and I just want to spend my summer in my eating disorder. Yes, there are times that I don't want to give up my ED but I don't want to have my entire summer dedicated to it either. The only thing that I am honestly searching for is a piece of mind and at times I feel that that can be found with me being with my eating disoder.. I have many mixed emotions and I am tired of trying to defined my actions to why I do what I do.

Weekend Thoughts....

I'm beyond frustrated with my eating disorder right now. I don't understand this feelings anymore. One minute I am feeling fine and doing well, but the minute that I have to start to think about eating, I start to feel sick to my stomach and I can't explain why. All I know is that I feel nauseous and I'm welling to do anything tho make this feeling go away. Even if that means skipping a meal or two. Today I have managed to have a boost, 2slices of toast with butter, a resse's cup and 2 cokes. I don't want anything else. I just want the thoughts in my head to be gone. I don't think this is ever going to get easier. And I feel like a failure.