Fustration.

Feeling really sad and, I'm liking this feeling and I don't know what to do about it. I have restricted my caloric in take for dinner and that bothers me..does it bother me to the point that I want to do something about it..no. This scares me. I have been at this for at about 5 weeks and I thought I would be at a different place at this point and I'm not and that scares me. Maybe I'm placing to much importance on trying to be perfect but that is the only thing that I can allow myself to do. That is the only thing that I feel that I have control over right now ans that really bothers me. I could use a hug right now, I feel so lonely. I want this feeling gone. Will it be gone.

Aug. 26 Thoughts

Today was a lot better than yesterday. I'm still working on somethings. But after Monday and Wenesday, I decided that I'm going to fake it until I make it. If I have urges I will write them on the check form, but I will not in any way shape or form write about symptom usage. I have to fake like I'm happy then so be. I refused to go to residential treatment. If it takes me lying to not have to do, then that is what I'm going to do.

Change....is it likely possible......

OMG!!! I'm going to have to borrow a quote from President Obama: "A change we can believe in." Really? This is not directed to anyone but myself. Is this a change that I can believe? Right now I'm not sure. I can say honestly that the past 4 days have been heck. I understand these feeling are about the fear of change. I hate change because it doesn't seem safe. I don't like the fear of the unknown. In order to be comfortable, I need to know what to aspect. And no that I'm suppose to trust the healing process, but truthfully I don't. How can I when I've never been allowed to heal from anything. Growing up, things have been always swept under the rug. And that has taught me, that my opinions don't matter, I don't. I know that IOP is suppose to help me to reconnect with my feelings and my body. Which is so something that I want to at least try. But, sometimes I feel that reconnecting with my body and feelings is only going to lead to disappointment, and it sucks.

I feel alone in IOP, because it really doesn't seem that no one talks to me other than the people that are suppose to, the clinicians. I know I'm not in IOP to be best buddies with everyone, but things would feel so much easier if I didn't feel that I didn't belong there. I know that Ido, because I am tired. I want to be better. I need to be better for me. I have too. I'm tired of being stuck going no where. I want to move, I need to progress. So I'm going to do the best that I can to stick to this plan of change no matter how hard it seems, just want to include some many other pieces that aren't available to me yet.

IOP

Right now I am a nerves rick and there isn't much that I can do about, I feel that I have bitten off way more than I can chew. I finally went to IOP and I see the girls that are there and I feel that I am nothing like them. There is someone that I feel is more rewarding to take my spot. I don't like being there because I see those girls and I don't see myself. I don't like the idea of being forced to eat something that I don't want or given something just because I have to have a cup of something. The girls are great and encouraging, but I don't like being watched what I eat or don't eat. This sucks. I know that I don't eat enough and truthfully that is ok with me. Well, I may not eat enough for those person that see me eat, but to me I'm eating more than my share of food.

The Sadness and Fustration Continues......

I'm tired of trying to fight that I can't win...What is the point in trying if every time I turn around there is someone telling me that I don't have a eating disorder. For crying out loud, you don't have to be a size 0 to have a eating disorder. I am tired of fight this fight alone. There isn't anyone that I can turn to because no one understands it. Everyone seems to think that I can't have a eating disorder because of my outer appearance. But if people started to look past that they would see so much more. They can't so I'm left to suffer alone.

My anxiety is through the roof. I fight the urge to cut, I have been for sometime now and that feeling hasn't gotten better, it has only gotten worse. I'm pissed at the nurse from the hospital telling "Ashley" very personal parts of me. I had been calling for the past 2 weeks to get my lab results faxed to the treatment center and they have not faxed them. So, I called them for a good part of the morning and got no where, but the run around of them telling me that the doctor would give me a call back today, and guess what, she didn't call. I'm tired. "Ashley" calls requesting documentation stating my physical disability. So after giving the nurse my personal information, the nurse says "Are you calling about the eating disorder forms?" WTH!!! How dare that nurse just tell my business of the phone like that? "Ashley" didn't know about my eating disorder, but now she does and that hurts like hell. I feel so exposed. I told certain people about my eating disorder for a reason. I told them because I know that I could trust them. Not because I know that they were going to go and broadcast my information.. What I am I going to do. To say that I feel exposed, is a understatement. I hate this. I am at the point where I just want to stop everything. Going to work, going to church, stopping all medications, and all forms of therapy. What is the point in continuing. My needs aren't being with my current therapist, so why do I need to keep going. That is a waste of my time. All I am asI nking for is for someone to listen to me, I'm screaming for help and no one is listen, not even God at times(at least that is how I feel.) The only way this can change is for me to get the help that I am begging for is for me to at least attend a IOP program. I need help and no one cares so why should I. So I'm going to continue to do what I feel is right, and that is restricting, binging, purging, fasting. Why not, everyone else says I don't have a eating disorder. So what is the point of gaing help for some that I don't "Have" right?!

I want help and I'm not getting it, I quiet

Sharing thoughts....R.I.P. Adeja

"When dealing with people remember that you,yourself are not perfect. Never forget what God brought you from to get you to where you are."

Really trying to find inspiration to keep fighting. Not really sure how long I'm going to be able to continue with this act. That's just it, I don't want to be fake anymore, it is taking to much of my energy. I'm tired all the time, anxiety is really starting to a toll on everything that I once enjoyed. That makes me sad. I have been trying for the last 2 weeks just to get someone to understand how I feel, but I don't feel that I am being listened to because of the stupid stereotypes that are placed on persons with people who deal with eating disorders. I really feel that I don't have one. May never have one until reach my ultimate goal, not sure what that is, but I am sure it will raise a few eyebrows. Not that that is something I want to do, but maybe....

This purging is killing my vocal cords. I purged twice today and it's only 11am. This feeling of lack of control is really starting to bother me.

It all seems to have started Saturday morning. That is when I learned that Adeja lost her fight with cancer. Adeja was born with sickle cell. Adeja participated a stem cell research study that allowed her to use cord blood and have a transplant. This transplant cured her of sickle cell. But, that came with a hefty price, her health. Adeja soon developed a brain tumor and a weak immune system, seizures. All the while this little angel did not focus on her pain, she wanted to make sure that everyone else was comfortable. Last Tuesday we learned that her lungs were failing and by Friday she had only a smart portion of her lungs working. The doctors made her very comfortable. She was awake on Thursday requesting a Boost and a doughnut. :) But, Friday she began to breath a lot slower. She passed in the early morning on Saturday July 31, 2010. Although I know and understand that Adeja is no longer in any pain. She is with our heavenly father. Which the ultimate gift and it feels selfish that I want her here, but I know heaven is the place that God wants her. Her job here is finished, she has touched many lives in her short time here on earth. She is sleeping and playing freely as a child should. And God greeted her at the pearly gates and told her "Adeja, Job well done" That bring me peace although I want her her, I to will say Adeja job well done!!! Rest well princess.

Fustration with said treatment team.....

I'm beyond fustrated. Why can't doctors do what they know that they need to do?! I have been calling my doctors office since Monday trying to get them to fax my lab reaults to the treatment center and they still have not been faxed!! Why?!?! One minute I'm told that they still need to be signed by the doctor, the next minute I am told that they can't be faxed with out prior authorization from the treatment center. I decide that I would email the coordinator that I have been speaking with to ask to request them. She informs me that since I am the patient it is alright for me to ask for my own lab reports. So, I call back and I am told that they will be faxed. And it is Friday and they have yet to be faxed!?!? WTH!?! I don't understand.

I've also been calling my therapist to have her fax my blood work to the center. She calls me yesterday and told me that the phones at the office haven't been working and that she will try to fax them today. At this point I am not sure what to believe because I like my PCP, I had been calling my therapist office to get my blood results faxed. My therapist tells me yesterday that the reason that she hadn't faxed the results was because they had been replaced in the wrong portion of my file. WTH!?!? Won't the therapist view the file before just giving up, just in case that happened!?!? I don't get it. My therapist is really starting to annoy me. She seems to think that everything is a joke. This is not a joke. This is my LIFE damn it!!!! And, I'm tired of being ignored. Just because I don't have the average body of a person that suffers from a a eating disorder does not mean that I don't suffer for one. I am tired of telling or having to explain that eating disorders do NOT discriminate!!! I know that a lot of the facts that are presented in the social media is that eating disorders only affect whites, WRONG!!! They can affect anyone. I want to help bring awareness to this subject, but I know that I can't do this unless I get control of my own personal demons. All I am asking is for someone to just listen to what I have to say and don't pre-judge me before you get to know me. I am tired of struggling. I want to change. I can't do this alone. But apparently, I have no choice at this point and it sucks.

Jarriyah

Tough thoughts and struggles......

I'm struggling and I am not sure what I'm going to do about. I'm anxious about Wenesday. And I want it gone. I want my life back, but I am not willing to do what I need to do to get there. The very thought of it scares me. I know that this is something that I must do. There is a part of me that feels that I don't deserve treatment. I don't look sick enough, I'm not thin enough. There are so many other people who deserve that place in IOP. Why me. I don't want to do because I know that I am going to have to take time off from work, or just quiet all together. If I so that that means I am at risk for not having health insurance and that would mean no IOP for me anyway. This is really hard.

3 years ago

FINALLY someone does understand, and I am not alone. I have managed to open up to two people. And this was only after they constantly would as why I won't accept their dinner invitations. Or when I did accept them, I would order the same thing at every restaurant, a cup of soup and water or tea with no sugar. I never purged around them, but I had the dental effects from the purging. My friends got concerned because I started to get laryngitis all the time. But I still denied that I had a eating "issue".

My friends confronted me one day after being with them for an entire weekend and they never saw me eat anything but a handful of grapes. they asked if I had a eating disorder and I of course said no. And they both bluntly said "Baby, don't say you don't when you know that you do. We're judging you. We want to help you, we are going to work on this together, understand?" I was stunned that they just came at me like that. My response was "We?!? What is this we, I did this to myself, why would they want to help me, better yet why are they choosing to believe me when everyone else is turning away from me?" They said because We love you and We don't want anything to happen to you. At this point I had known my friends for 2 weeks. We had not even established a relationship. I later asked them how did they know that I have a ED. They said because We've been watching you. I was so taken by their words that I stopped talking and just looked at them. This was 3 years ago and we have formed a wonderful bond. And I have to say within these past 3 years, they have never told me that my ED was my fault. they get concerned when I don't eat or spend to much time alone. They voice their concerns, and talk to me and listens to me and helps me find that voice that ED keeps trying to take away from me. They certainly supports me 100%. If it weren't for their love and support I don't think I would be able to speak about my ED. I'm still not comfortable talking about to other persons other than them. But, my psychiatrist knows about my ED because she actually took the time to read my medical chart. And she makes me talk about. It causes a lot of anxiety and she knows that, but she still wants to know how I'm doing. I meet with her on Thursday and she informed me that she has recommend that I attend Renfrew IOP ASAP. So, I'm scheduled for lab work, EKG and what ever other test that Renfrew requires and if everything comes back by next week, I will start the program on July 26th. I'm not going to fight and argue that I don't have a problem or that I don't need help. I know that I do. So, I'm going to give treatment a try. So many people want this opportunity and because I understand that I don't want to take it for granted.

There have been times before when I tried to tell family, friends, basically anyone that would listen and I got the same response every time, you can't possible have a eating disorder, your black. So, I soon started to believe that myself. That only feed the eating disorder. I started engaging more and more into my ED behaviors because I know that no one believed me. My family still does not believe that I have a ED so, I just stopped talking to them about it.

I don't think that anyone ever fully recovers from a ED, we learn better ways to manage it, and we learn what triggers the episodes.

not good enough

The past few days have been a big blur....and I hate it. I had a session with my psychitriast Thursday and the last 2 sessions with her have not been very good. They have prodiced tons of anxiety that will not go away and I hate it. I was telling her about the most stressful part of my vacation. It wasn't the fact that I was with family, I really enjoyed that. It was the fact that every single meal was take out. The dr asked if I were able to chose more healthier options would that have had the siuation any better, um no. Because ever meal was brought for me. I did not have a chose in the things that I ate. Everyone felt that I wasn't eating enough, so to satisfy them I at and as soon as I got the chance to go to the restroom I would purge everything. There finally came a point in my vacation were I was able to finally it half of a breakfast item and that would be it for the remainder of the day. My family were off doing there on thing and I was left to spend time with my cousin which is something that I don't mind. It allowed me to forget the things that were waiting for me at home.

I am trying to start treatment on July 26. That is causing me a lot of worry because I am not sure if I am going to be finished treatment by the time I either have to report back to work or by the time the kids arrive. I don't want to lose my job because of this eating disorder, but I feel that I am not doing what I need to do to make it any better. I am still restricting. Taking water pills. getting the weekly B12 and [ipo-dissolve injection. I am also taking 2 different types of appetite surpresents and topamax that cause me to lose me wanting food. I haven't told any one about the diet pills in fear that they will force me to through them out and that is something that I am just not ready for that. This is what is finally helping me to lose weight and that bothers me. But yet and still I continue to engage in the same stupid behaviors.

Let Him Help....

Let him help

May God breathe new freshness into our tired, old lives this day. As you worship him and give thanks, let him fill you with his spirit, his compassion and his love. No matter how you are feeling, God can take away the pain, the doubt, the weariness and the fatigue. He is able to transform us in an instant.

But, we must let him and we must do as he says. We cannot ask for his help and then ignore his wisdom. We must come to him with open and willing hearts, ready to follow what he says is best for us. We cannot be like a patient who goes to the doctor to get better and then ignores the medication as well as the treatment. What has this person accomplished, but to become more miserable?

We can trust what God tells us to do. He knows the effect of our every action and word before we act. He knows what can make us better and what will make us worse. Left to our own devices, we usually make the wrong choice – the decision that will take us farther away from where we need to be.

This morning, as we lift our lives and problems to him, let us be ready to follow him without hesitation. May we believe, with all of our being, that his way is the best way. Never mind what we think. Doing what he says is the only way he can help us.

July 15, 2010

I want recovery so bad, but I am scared to death of it...I don't know what to expect, but I know that I don't want to continue to live this life that I'm living. I want to be thin and beautiful. But at what cost? Is my health important? At times I don't think so.(m0st 0f the time) Society tells me that I have to be this thin beautiful happy person all the time. My family tells me that I have to be happy all the time, I am not allowed to show any emotions. I can't tell my secrets. I have to keep them to myself in fear that others are going to find out the truth. I hate this. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with the way that God has blessed me with. But how do I do that when it seems that every corner that I turn there is someone, a TV, a advertisement telling me that I can't be happy with who I am unless I am starving myself to be perfect and restricting my daily, weekly, monthly caloric intake? It is that voice that tells me that I am not allowed to go anywhere there is food, unless before the event, I'm not allowed to eat a certain number of calories. What do I do when I know that the only thing that is stopping me from receiving the treatment that I need is myself? And the fact that I feel that I feel that I am not going to be able to get a job, if I quiet the one that I have. What I am I going to do? I want and I so need this change, but how do I get when I am so afraid that someone is going to judge me and tell me that I possibly can't have a eating disorder because statistics tell me that I can't and that eating disorders only effect white people? I know that this is not true, but I feel that I can't fight this fight because I do not have the strength. I feel so alone and a inconvenience to those that care for me. I need help, but where do I began, when I feel so alone and the easiest thing that it is for me to do is to ignore the issues at hand, this has always worked in the past.

July 14, 2010

I'm dealing with so many mixed feelings right now that I am not really sure to do with them. I'm returning home to the DMV, I'm happy about it, but sad about it because I know that I'm to the things that I left behind that I want to avoid, but I know that I can't anymore. It is ace them now or don't have them at all and stay stuck in this sickness. And that is something that I don't want anymore. I want to be better, but I don't think that I can do this on my own because I keep backing out of going to get my blood work done. It's not the fact that I am scared of needles, it's the fact that there is a part of me that feels that I don't deserve help. I caused this problem, why can't I fix it on my own? All I need to do is regain some sort of normal life, but I am not even sure what that is anymore. I am scared. Will I always feel this way, do I deserve to be better?

July 12, 2010

OMG!!!! My cousin has been a huge trigger for me today. She was eating dinner and she says Jarriyah, I feel anorexia because I just keep eating!!! WTH!?!? What kind of comment is that? You aren't anorexic sweetie, your ass is just greedy!!!!! Why would she say that? She knows about my eating disorder. But apparently, she does not care about it. I have been spending the last 2 weeks in this type of fog that I am trying to get out of, but it is not working and with that comment today, that just did not help. I ended up purging on a piece of chicken, biscuit, a salad and a Dr. Pepper. I hate the act that I did that, but the thoughts that were going through my head I feel that I had no choice. Thinking about it now, I am sure that I had another choice, I could have called a friend and talked about my feelings, but at the time and even now I feel as if I am going to be a burden on them. So, I have to do what I can just to make sure that I stay safe. I can't wait to return to some sort o normalcy. Because this is really starting to get old. I hate the fact that I feel that I do not have any control over anything that is happening in my life right now. Once I return to my apartment, I am sure things are going to be better, but until then, I am going to have to continue to do what I can have to make sure that I'm safe. I swear I feel that I have gained about 5 pounds since being here. I was txting a friend and she said, but Jay, your on vacation your suppose to gain wait, umm that is a negative. Gaining weight is not a option, and I'm not going to let the fact that I am on vacation stop me from reaching or finding some sort of peace.

Lonely

I'm not really in a good space right now. I feel myself going further and further into eating disordered behaviors and I feel that there is nothing that I can do about. I'm in a place were the only thing that people seem to do here is out all the time. I have been here for a week and that is the only thing that I have been doing is eating out. So until I leave here I'm going to be restricting. Do I want to no. But that is the only thing that I feel that is keeping me safe right now. Right now I have the urge the purge and I'm doing my best not to act on it, but it does not seem like that is going to be possible. The urge seems stronger than myself. I hate this feeling, it is so lonely. I wish that I had someone to talk to, but no one gets it. And I can't seem to explain. The only thing that I know is that I hate living this way, I want to get better. Bulimia is such a secretive and lonely disorder.

I'm really feeeling over whelmed right now. I need tp B/P and I can't the apartment is to small and there is only one bathroom. My younger cousins are here and I don't want them to start asking me any questions, just in case they hear me in the bathroom. The worst part there is no lock on the door, so anyone can just walk in. I have been eating nothing but fast food since I've arrived on Thursday, If anything I feel that instead of gaining like my doctor wants me too, I'm losing because I don't feel that I have the support that I need and it hurts. No one seems to understand, just how bad this situation is . I'm in it deeper that I thought and I'm trying to find away out and I can't. For the past month I really feel as if I am fight a war within myself that I'm lossing. I feel out of control and there again there does not seem to be anthing that I'm able to do about it. I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep that I caqn't even keep my eyes open. I want help my question in regaurding thus situation is that I will be able to have a emotional suoort so that I can move on with my life because right now I reallly truly feel exposed on so many levels. And I really don't know how to get a grip and I understand that I really need to get one fast, but where do I start?

Over Come

I'm truly struggling and it sucks right now. I'm full of doubt, questions that I feel that no one can understand nor answer, so I keep them to myself and loss sleep because I'm anxious and worried. I talked with M on Skype last night and she asked if I had decide anything regarding Renfrew or had I emailed P. I said no and I explained why. 1st I don't think that my issues are that server that I need to seek treatment. First of all, I'm about 245lbs, what person do you know that weights that much as a eating disorder? Yea, I know that I have lost 28lbs since Dec. and that does not seem like that much weight to me. But others seem to think that my behaviors are a call for alarm. Yes, I know that I purge and there a times that I binge and purge, but I just don't like the feeling of nausea that comes along with the fact that I have to eat.
While on vacation I'm thinking of really restricting my caloric intake to 500 calories or less. I am not sure how I am going to do this yet, but I am going to have to come up with a plan, maybe just having a boiled egg for breakfast and coffee and water throughout the day. I know that I can do this because my family is clueless to my eating disorder, so I am sure I can get away with it. It's not really about trying to get away with anything, but I'm just tired of being in this body. I want out and I'm going to get out at any cost.

Fighting........

I’m finding things to be really hard right now. I thought that taking medical leave from work would help, but it hasn’t and I have been released from work for a week now. And nothing seems to be getting better. I really need a lot of inspiration right now.

I have managed to attend a weekly Lunch Hour Bible study, that has been a great blessing to me. And I am so grateful for it.

I’m struggling with ED right now. And it hurts. I’m doing the best that I can to not focus and given to those behaviors and thoughts, but it seems that ED is screaming daily for me to give in to him. I don’t want to, but at times it seems that ED voice is louder than my own. I’m really trying not to purge, and distract myself, it only works to a certain degree. I wish I could start Renfrew as soon as possible, but it doesn’t seem that is going to be likely because I’m going on vacation with my mom from July 1-14 and there is no way that I can start the program now and leave without being medical discharged and Heather has already informed me that that isn’t going to be possible, because I have a lot of work that I need to do. =(

That’s all for now, I gotta try and finish this chapter. I started yesterday and I feel that it shouldn’t take me 3 days to read it, I should have finished the both of them by today. =(

Perfectionism SUCKS!!!!

Sadness Continues.......

I am truly struggling at this moment. I wish that I had the strength to make things magically better, but I don't have the strength nor the will power at this point and it sucks. I'm behind a week in my homework and the professor says that if we miss any assignments then we are going to feel the course automatically. So, I really need to find the courage to these missing assigments in. That is going to take a lot of strength and I don't think I have that. I can't even get myself together to do what I know I must do to tackle this eating disorder. After years of searching and hoping for a proper treatment place. I finally found one. Completed intake and reseve the proper diagnosis and I still can't seem to get it together to get the help that I know that I need. I'm scared that others going to find fault in me and judge me. I know that is highly unlikely, because we are all there to get help with our eating disorders, but form the outside I do not look like I have bulimia and anorexia, I look like I'm a over eater. I'm not. I don't eat. I take laxatives to help me get rid of the food that I eat. I take a water pill twice a day to get ready of water weight in hopes that it will help the numbers on the scale go down. I take a appetite surpresent in hopes that it will limit the amount of food that I eat on a daily bases. No matter what time I go to bed at night, I wake up at 4am every morning to go to the gym. I get to the point that I will eat and if I don't take the anxiety meds during my meals, I will purge, because I hate the feeling of having food just sit in my throat and I can't make it go down.I have a friend who is on administrative leave from her job and she is calling me at least 35x a day, just to talk and complain about how life isn't fair and no one understands her and she feels that the world is out to cause her to fail. I have so many thoughts about that, but I can't tell her because she is in such denial about her depression that it is really disturbing. I am really trying not to take her issues on as my own, but the type of person that I am, is not allowing me to do that.

Thoughtless

Why would a company promote a shirt such as this?!?! My thoughts and feelings have been all over the please. To see that Urban Outfitters are promoting eating disordered behavior is disheartening. Why advertise that it is ok to have a eating disorder?

Sad

Things seem to be really spinning out of control. And the only thing that I am continuly asking for is support and, I can’t even get that. I’m exhausted daily and it seems that there is not anyone or anything that cares. I arrive home daily and the first thing that I do is pass out on my bed. I can’t really do this anymore. I have to concentrate on my studies and I can’t do that right. My friend told me last week that I need to find a balance, how do I do that when it seems that every thing that I touch is slowly spinning out of my reach?

My eating disorder is in full effect. I can’t keep anything down and I have no desire to eat anything. I try but that only leads to me binging and purging. I’m either severely restricting or binging on a daily bases!! I hate this. I want things to get better, but when will they? I don’t feel that I deserve anything, because I feel that I have brought all of this negative energy on myself. I bit harsh of a thought, but I am being honest. I feel that if I hadn’t found ED or used ED as a crutch, I won’t be in so much emotional pain.

I'm not sure about things anymore. I'm tired of trying....just neeeve thd the pain to go away. Don't believe the smile. It's fake.

Tears

All I can do is cry, the pain inside is so deep!!! I know that God does not give me more than I can handle, but it is times like this that I wish, He won't trust me so much. My tears just keep falling.

I know this is not my time for what I want, and I glorify Him for all that He has done and will continue to do for me. I just want the pain and the tears to stop.

uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh!?!?!? I so feel the urge to cut right now and I'm doing the best that I can to fight this, but it is not working because I have been feeling this way for the last couple of hours. I hate this....really trying my hardest not to give in to this urge.

I came home from work and cleaned out my fridge and freezer. I feel a lot better that there isn't much food left in my fridge. It just kinda takes some sort of weight off of my shoulders.

I'm a firm believer that the tongue has the power to speak life/death into a persons spirit. No one should ever have to wonder if they are loved or that someone is proud of them. Get in the habit of speaking life to everyone person God has placed in your life. I am!

not doing os great. Went to dinner with friends, which was really nice. But my ED was there with me and I had the most difficult time eating. To the point that someone made a comment that I did not eat enough of my dinner. I tried to tell her that I had had enough and she was just like yeah right. I did everything that I could to eat more, but I started to feel sick to my stomach. And I hated it. I can't take this anymore ED is really starting to play with my emotions right now and I hate it. I wish that he or it or what ever it may be just go away.

Vengence is mine saith the Lord! Move out of the way and let God get them! He can deal with folk in a way and in a place that is not accessible to you and will get the attention of the violator! Pump your breaks because God is gonna slow them down! Observe and remain silent!

I'm so exhausted...I have been trying to get some rest, but it is not helping. It seems that no matter what, things will never be good enough, things just seem to be spinning out of control and I feel that there is really nothing much more than I can do, but hold on tight for the ride and hope that I do not fall off.

Still no change in my eating, and it is really starting really bother me. In a way it makes me feel that I have control over something for once. And the psychology master's candidate student, knows that I'm really just fooling myself. I'm not in control over anything. Unless you count that my actions are causing me to have control over how sick, I will be if I don't get a grip and fast.

~*Beautiful.Spirit*~

Wishing things were the way they used to be...some habits are too hard to break.....

Anxiety Attacks....

I've been dealing with some serious anxiety attacks....this sucks. I'm doing the best that I can to ignore it...but guess what, it ain't working!!! I know that I need to start taking about things and not sweeping them under the rug, but that is all that I know and as of right now, that is what makes me comfortable and safe, so I am going with safe.

The last few days, it seems that my ED is back in full swing!! :( Not sure how to feel about that or what I am suppose to do. :(

Not easily broken.....

Not easily broken.....so I thought....to be continued at a later time.....

Struggling

Struggling it seems just to make it minute by minute. Just tired. I'm fustrated. I have been working really hard not to restrict my caloric intake, but that seems to be getting harder by the day. For instance, today I had a string cheese for breakfast and 160z of water. No lunch, was running around in meetings and other job related things. I normally eat lunch at 12pm. before I know it, it was 1:45pm. And I decided against lunch, due to not want to force myself to eat anything, figured that I was getting off at 3, so what was the point, I "could" grab something once arriving home. Well, I did not. Instead came home, rested for about a hour and then decided on going to the gym. I spent 3 hours there. I think a lot this onset has been triggered by 2 things: 1st Last week my Dr gave me the DX of Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.(EDNOS). Which basically for me is: I don't fit the entire qulifications for either anorexia or bulimia. Which truthfuly doesn't surprise me. I restrict often. I just can't see myself eating 1,200 calories a day. That is a heck of a lot of food. No Thank You!!! Eating is one thing that cause me a lot of anxiety.

2. I went to the Dr on Saturday and she also changed my medications. She uped all of my meds!!! :~( I asked her why and she told me that I know why. Well a part of me does. Yes, I know you asked me to keep a food log, which I did. But, I'm guessing you did not like the fact that there weren't many days with in the past 2 weeks that indicate that I was eating anything. I know this seems to bother you. But, my question for you is, if it does not bother me, why should it bother you? I feel fine. I didn't lose any weight these past 2 weeks, so I must be doing something right. Although, these really bothers me. Once I get to the target weight that I have set for myself then maybe, somethings will be diffirent. Until then, the only thing that I'm seeking is some sort of peace and understanding.

Thoughts: Jan. 23, 2010

Who and what you neglect on this level that is necessary for your next level will hinder any other level. Address what needs to be addressed! Don't sweep it under the rub and spray perfume over it, deal with it or it will deal with you! Your private anointing should be as heavy as your public anointing!

thoughts

Still feeling the same way that I did yesterday. But a part of me feels that it may get better before it gets worse. I actually took the time to read over my treatment plan and now I feel that I should not have done that. I googled my DX scores. I learned that one of my Dx scores indicates that I have Eating Disorder Otherwise Specified, which basically means to my understand, that I don't fit the all the medical criteria for either anorexia or bulimia. I know that I have a issue with my eating habits. For example lately, I have not been eating after 330pm. I know that this is not healthy, but this the only way that I feel that I am able to control some part of my life. I feel so over whelmed and stressed and I won't talk to anyone about it because I feel that either no one cares or that I am bothering them in some way by telling them what is bothering me. I just keep telling people that I'm fine. And as of right now, so far so good. Not sure what I would do if people would start questioning me. I like the fact that I am finally starting to lose weight and I don't want to be forced to stop because someone feels that I have to or need to.

I'm sad, and I feel that there is nothing that I can do about it. I went to see a therapist yesterday. She is cool and all, but I get the feeling that I am not able to talk to her about what is going on with me. I think my most challenge issue is my eating disorder. I can't talk to her about. I feel that since I am black and she is white, there is no way that she is going to understand anything that I go through. I understand that eating disorders aren't about colors, they are about the emotions and the anxiety that a person feels and the need for the person to be in control. That's not the entire thing, but that is a start. But anyway....I feel that no one is going to understand why I have the ED.I don't lok like I have a eating disorder. But trust me, I do. I have lost about 23 pounds in the past month and I have been done so by restricting my food intake or purging the small about of food that I allow myself to eat. No one know this though. There are a few people that think I have starting seeing a weight loss doctor and that is partly true. I go to get the B12 and Lipo Disolve shots and the medications. I tale a fluid pill and, a sugar pill and a appetite suppressant. There are a few people that I know that if they know the things that I actually am doing, I would be in a world of trouble. I just feel that this is the only thing that is going to make me happy and help me to love myself. I don't have a family, per se. But I have awesome friends.

Haters are a key ingredient while God is making you and necessary for where He is taking you! You employ your haters because their full time job is hating on you.

In order to make some perpetual improvements in your life this year, the first thing you need to settle in your mind is that what happened to you in the past is not your potential. File what happened under "It Had to Happen" and recognize that what happened to you is not who you are now! Your existing, identifiable sca...rs from your past are the qualifiers for the level and arena that God is about to trust you into!

Reconciliation does not mean automatic reconnection and reconnection does not mean one has to reestablish the level of connectivity that once was! We need to break this spirit of entitlement that is so prevalent in relationships on any level! Not this year! Can't do it, won't do it! ::Forgiveness does not always mean Access::

If God orchestrated you getting there, He can orchestrate keeping you there! I don't care if the money has ran out, who won't sign on the dotted line and who is causing deliberate delays. When Gods hand is on it, He will bring what needs to be brought to pass to fruition! God has the final say!

Ever notice that some folks carry the spirit of Confusion and its cousin Chaos everywhere they go.....and its never their fault and they are always a victim. :: I'm just sayin :~) ::

Happy New Year

The most frequent accusation made by a hater in the new year is "you acting brand-new!" Let me help everyone out! Tell your haters "I'm not acting brand new, I am new and improved!" Their attention is drawn to you because you are on a new level and they have fallen between the crack called "stuck between levels" and the "same ole level". You are brand new! It's not an act, it's your new status