Over Come

I'm truly struggling and it sucks right now. I'm full of doubt, questions that I feel that no one can understand nor answer, so I keep them to myself and loss sleep because I'm anxious and worried. I talked with M on Skype last night and she asked if I had decide anything regarding Renfrew or had I emailed P. I said no and I explained why. 1st I don't think that my issues are that server that I need to seek treatment. First of all, I'm about 245lbs, what person do you know that weights that much as a eating disorder? Yea, I know that I have lost 28lbs since Dec. and that does not seem like that much weight to me. But others seem to think that my behaviors are a call for alarm. Yes, I know that I purge and there a times that I binge and purge, but I just don't like the feeling of nausea that comes along with the fact that I have to eat.
While on vacation I'm thinking of really restricting my caloric intake to 500 calories or less. I am not sure how I am going to do this yet, but I am going to have to come up with a plan, maybe just having a boiled egg for breakfast and coffee and water throughout the day. I know that I can do this because my family is clueless to my eating disorder, so I am sure I can get away with it. It's not really about trying to get away with anything, but I'm just tired of being in this body. I want out and I'm going to get out at any cost.