I'm feeling really out of sorts and disconnected from everyone. I really want to just sleep all day. Things are starting to get really difficult. I don't want to do anything. I am forcing myself not to change my schedule too much. Don't want to cause worry. So I am still doing all the normal things that I do, like school and work. But after those things are done, I just go into my room and shut the door. I often cry myself to sleep, it is exhausting pretending that everything is well, when everything around me is falling apart.

 I have been having a difficult time with meals, so I have been eating as much as I can and eating with others, and what I don't eat in meals I suppliment with ensure. That is what I have to do for now. meals are just to difficult right now.

falling apart, and I'm losing hope and grip. My reality seemed better than this.

No on understands how ugly I feel how depressed I've become, I'm scared to show any other emotion then happy. I present to have things in order, but they are

anymire

I thought I could handle this. I thought I could be strong. I'm not I am weak. This thing is so much bigger than myself. I can't try

Thoughts April 2 12

So, I recently celebrated my birthday and I have to say it has been one of the worst birthdays that I have ever had. I wanted to isolate and sleep all day but I managed to go out to dinner with a friend, but that wasn't until 730. I managed to take a three hour nap.

A friend keeps commenting on how sac I seem and won't let up on the subject when I tell her that I am fine. It's not the type of support where she is asking what's wrong, it's the Nagging support where I just want to scream and pull my hair out because no matter what I say about how I am feeling she just doesn't understand me or my relationship with my eating disorder. She asked me the other day if I wanted to join this weig loss program at the gym, "It will help you feel better about yourself and you will lose weight." I explained to her why that was just utterly wrong of her to say and the only response I received was a shrugging of the shoulders and a blank stare. First, let's be she is very aware of my ED, I have invited her to MFG meetings and dinners with my nutrionist all is which she came to and fully participated in asking questions and listening to the things that members of my team expressed in ways that SH could help me. Things seem to have gone I'll at least that is the way that it seemed while in the sessions, now it's like none of those things even occurred. So, ehat's the point of constantly explaining what's wrong if no one understands?!?!?!

I'm at a loss, it really sucks not having a support system of sorts. I have meet a wonderful group of women in various treatment centers, and I talk with a few of them throughout the week, but I never really mention to them how I'm feeling or experiencing because I don't want to be a trigger to them. I refuse to go back to the hospital, I won't unless I'm forced to. And at the rate that people take my ED that won't be anytime soon. I am giving myself until the end of the year to change things around.