Aug. 26 Thoughts

Today was a lot better than yesterday. I'm still working on somethings. But after Monday and Wenesday, I decided that I'm going to fake it until I make it. If I have urges I will write them on the check form, but I will not in any way shape or form write about symptom usage. I have to fake like I'm happy then so be. I refused to go to residential treatment. If it takes me lying to not have to do, then that is what I'm going to do.

Change....is it likely possible......

OMG!!! I'm going to have to borrow a quote from President Obama: "A change we can believe in." Really? This is not directed to anyone but myself. Is this a change that I can believe? Right now I'm not sure. I can say honestly that the past 4 days have been heck. I understand these feeling are about the fear of change. I hate change because it doesn't seem safe. I don't like the fear of the unknown. In order to be comfortable, I need to know what to aspect. And no that I'm suppose to trust the healing process, but truthfully I don't. How can I when I've never been allowed to heal from anything. Growing up, things have been always swept under the rug. And that has taught me, that my opinions don't matter, I don't. I know that IOP is suppose to help me to reconnect with my feelings and my body. Which is so something that I want to at least try. But, sometimes I feel that reconnecting with my body and feelings is only going to lead to disappointment, and it sucks.

I feel alone in IOP, because it really doesn't seem that no one talks to me other than the people that are suppose to, the clinicians. I know I'm not in IOP to be best buddies with everyone, but things would feel so much easier if I didn't feel that I didn't belong there. I know that Ido, because I am tired. I want to be better. I need to be better for me. I have too. I'm tired of being stuck going no where. I want to move, I need to progress. So I'm going to do the best that I can to stick to this plan of change no matter how hard it seems, just want to include some many other pieces that aren't available to me yet.

IOP

Right now I am a nerves rick and there isn't much that I can do about, I feel that I have bitten off way more than I can chew. I finally went to IOP and I see the girls that are there and I feel that I am nothing like them. There is someone that I feel is more rewarding to take my spot. I don't like being there because I see those girls and I don't see myself. I don't like the idea of being forced to eat something that I don't want or given something just because I have to have a cup of something. The girls are great and encouraging, but I don't like being watched what I eat or don't eat. This sucks. I know that I don't eat enough and truthfully that is ok with me. Well, I may not eat enough for those person that see me eat, but to me I'm eating more than my share of food.

The Sadness and Fustration Continues......

I'm tired of trying to fight that I can't win...What is the point in trying if every time I turn around there is someone telling me that I don't have a eating disorder. For crying out loud, you don't have to be a size 0 to have a eating disorder. I am tired of fight this fight alone. There isn't anyone that I can turn to because no one understands it. Everyone seems to think that I can't have a eating disorder because of my outer appearance. But if people started to look past that they would see so much more. They can't so I'm left to suffer alone.

My anxiety is through the roof. I fight the urge to cut, I have been for sometime now and that feeling hasn't gotten better, it has only gotten worse. I'm pissed at the nurse from the hospital telling "Ashley" very personal parts of me. I had been calling for the past 2 weeks to get my lab results faxed to the treatment center and they have not faxed them. So, I called them for a good part of the morning and got no where, but the run around of them telling me that the doctor would give me a call back today, and guess what, she didn't call. I'm tired. "Ashley" calls requesting documentation stating my physical disability. So after giving the nurse my personal information, the nurse says "Are you calling about the eating disorder forms?" WTH!!! How dare that nurse just tell my business of the phone like that? "Ashley" didn't know about my eating disorder, but now she does and that hurts like hell. I feel so exposed. I told certain people about my eating disorder for a reason. I told them because I know that I could trust them. Not because I know that they were going to go and broadcast my information.. What I am I going to do. To say that I feel exposed, is a understatement. I hate this. I am at the point where I just want to stop everything. Going to work, going to church, stopping all medications, and all forms of therapy. What is the point in continuing. My needs aren't being with my current therapist, so why do I need to keep going. That is a waste of my time. All I am asI nking for is for someone to listen to me, I'm screaming for help and no one is listen, not even God at times(at least that is how I feel.) The only way this can change is for me to get the help that I am begging for is for me to at least attend a IOP program. I need help and no one cares so why should I. So I'm going to continue to do what I feel is right, and that is restricting, binging, purging, fasting. Why not, everyone else says I don't have a eating disorder. So what is the point of gaing help for some that I don't "Have" right?!

I want help and I'm not getting it, I quiet

Sharing thoughts....R.I.P. Adeja

"When dealing with people remember that you,yourself are not perfect. Never forget what God brought you from to get you to where you are."

Really trying to find inspiration to keep fighting. Not really sure how long I'm going to be able to continue with this act. That's just it, I don't want to be fake anymore, it is taking to much of my energy. I'm tired all the time, anxiety is really starting to a toll on everything that I once enjoyed. That makes me sad. I have been trying for the last 2 weeks just to get someone to understand how I feel, but I don't feel that I am being listened to because of the stupid stereotypes that are placed on persons with people who deal with eating disorders. I really feel that I don't have one. May never have one until reach my ultimate goal, not sure what that is, but I am sure it will raise a few eyebrows. Not that that is something I want to do, but maybe....

This purging is killing my vocal cords. I purged twice today and it's only 11am. This feeling of lack of control is really starting to bother me.

It all seems to have started Saturday morning. That is when I learned that Adeja lost her fight with cancer. Adeja was born with sickle cell. Adeja participated a stem cell research study that allowed her to use cord blood and have a transplant. This transplant cured her of sickle cell. But, that came with a hefty price, her health. Adeja soon developed a brain tumor and a weak immune system, seizures. All the while this little angel did not focus on her pain, she wanted to make sure that everyone else was comfortable. Last Tuesday we learned that her lungs were failing and by Friday she had only a smart portion of her lungs working. The doctors made her very comfortable. She was awake on Thursday requesting a Boost and a doughnut. :) But, Friday she began to breath a lot slower. She passed in the early morning on Saturday July 31, 2010. Although I know and understand that Adeja is no longer in any pain. She is with our heavenly father. Which the ultimate gift and it feels selfish that I want her here, but I know heaven is the place that God wants her. Her job here is finished, she has touched many lives in her short time here on earth. She is sleeping and playing freely as a child should. And God greeted her at the pearly gates and told her "Adeja, Job well done" That bring me peace although I want her her, I to will say Adeja job well done!!! Rest well princess.