I'm really starting to believe that this is how my life is going to be forever. I  had been doing well or at least I thought I was. But I'm starting to think that I was fooling myself. I came into this thing with very high hopes and the only thing that  I'm good at right now is failing and falling hard. My thoughts are compulsive and I can't stop them. I am doing what  I can to fight these thoughts, but I am slow sleeping to what makes me feel better or yet comfortable.

I'm so angry and disappointed in myself. The last few days I have been really engaged in bulimic behaviors. I have been taking diet pills, diuretics and laxatives. I don't feel anything that I am doing is wrong, because I am not purging. I am eating no matter how much it may be, I'm eating. I don't feel safe without them. I was rushed to the ER because of them, but I am still using them and I don't care.  I don't have anyone here that is helping me be accountable, so what's the point in trying to do the right thing. I really don't see what's wrong with using them, I am fine and at this point I will do anything to lose weight, no matter how it may look.

I am really at the point where I do not care at about anything and that is fine with me. I have been using laxatives and diuretics for the past 2 weeks and I am okay with that. I love the feeling of being empty. If I must eat something, I might as well take a laxative behind it, it makes things better. I feel that taking laxatives makes the food issues so much easier. Such is my life and at this point I don't even know what that is anymore. I love feeling of being empty and pure.

I'm failing apart and no one knows it! I don't know how long I am going to be able to hold on. I feel like I am just merely existing in a world that hates me. Everyone keeps telling me to surround yourself with positive people. I thought I had done that. But I guess I was wrong. Someone sent me a text asking me to come to the wight loss doctor with them this week and I think I am going. I can't take this.  I don't care if it is self destructive or that my ED is going to be happy about it. I can't do this anymore. I want freedom and this is the only way to get it...I tried recovery and that doesn't work, trying something that I know that works.

contribute to this stupid fat talk culture where we all bring each

just blogging about their eating disorder, I don't care if you're

family member or doctor or therapist and for gods sake don't