Too Much........

I just don't get this anymore...I am really getting to the point where I'm not sure what direction to take anymore. I'm beyond frustrated with myself. I feel like I am a complete failure at recovery. I know that I need more structure or just more intense level of care. Something has to be better than this....it just has to be. I hate this....I'm struggling with symptoms. I don't want to purge, but to fight that urge has been nearly impossible. First, I felt guilty because I have been couch bound since Wednesday and now that I am starting to function some what back to normal, I feel that these urges shouldn't be happening. Who spends nearly four hours fighting a urge? Why can't ED just leave me the fuck alone. What have I done to have to go through this? I can't take this. May be I should be in Day. I keep second guessing ever decision that I try to make. Why can't someone make this decision for me? I just want a easy outcome. I officially hate my life.

IP.....

I know that I need IP, but just the thought of it scares me, because I feel that I would be giving up so much. Like, what if I decide to go IP would I lose my apartment, how will a mange with bills. I know those are just excuse to keep me stuck in my ED but those are the types of things that I worry about. But I know IP is something that I need. I need to get away from the things that are causing me to use symptoms and causing me to avoid the real under lining issues.

The ED part of me feels that I don't need IP, that is manly because I was telling my aunt about my current struggles and she told she felt that I was depending on Renfrew and therapy too much. She said that if she felt that I need this much therapy, she would have been snatched me up and put me in the hospital. (She is a Dr. of Clinical Psychology) So, I have been battling with the thought that she is right, may be I am not as made off as I think that I am. May be I am depending too much on Renfrew and therapy. I know this isn't rational thinking, but I just feel like I am depending on everyone else thoughts, but my own right now, and that scares me.

Tough thoughts and struggles......March 25

Things are going alright. I sprained my ankle on Tuesday, which I am really not sure how I did that. I haven't been exercising or anything major. Only walking. I'm starting to wonder if the injury may be related to my eating disorder...something that I'm sure I should bring up in therapy on Monday.

I have been feeling really guilty for the lack of exchanges that I have been missing. I don't see it as a big deal, although, I am sure that I should. I feel that since I haven't been able to walk since Tuesday, it shouldn't matter that I have missed exchanges, am not using them if I am just sitting with my foot elevated doing nothing. Black and white thinking, I am sure, but that is how I feel.

I sent my sister a message on FB asking her to send me my mom's cell number...why has she not answered me!?!? I know she is updating her FB page, I have read the statuses....why does my family hate me so much?????

Random Thoughts.....

I should feel better now that I'm trying to put things in to place so that I won't be so finical worried when it comes to treatment. But I'm not there. I feel that I'm far from it. I don't know what I want from anything anymore. I just truly feel that I'm just excising more than I'm living and it's frustrating. I just want to be happy and successful in life, but I don't ever feel that I'm going to get there.

I'm struggling today with all exchanges, and I don't know why. I have had a sandwich for lunch that meet all exchanges for lunch and I felt so guilty that I fell asleep and I woke up at 7pm and I had a nutri-grain bar and water, so I basically meet my starch exchange for dinner. I don't trust that this meal plan isn't going to cause me to gain weight. I wish I did. I see the volume of food that is suggested that I eat at meals and it totally bugs me out. I feel that I shouldn't be given that amount of food. I'm already over weight and not limiting my caloric intake isn't going to do me any harm, I could afford to miss a meal or two or even three. I just want to be happy with my appearance and I feel that I'm never going to get there gaining weight, the only way that I'm going to get to that point is to lose weight. I wish I were closer to acceptance of my body whether than hating it.

I feel fine with the amount of calories that I've eaten today.

Screams

I'm so freakin frustrated!!! I'm really trying to direct this anger that I have to a different healthy place but it is not working. I hate working with a group of incompetent people. I did not earn my BA degree in psychology to be chasing after a child that if she bumps into me I would fall. Nor did I earn my psychology to do the things that teachers did not want to do. I'm not the teacher in your class so why do I need to take on that role, just because you don't want too? Today's events are a constant reminder of why I am going to have to make that scarfices to to earn my MSW!!