Too Much........

I just don't get this anymore...I am really getting to the point where I'm not sure what direction to take anymore. I'm beyond frustrated with myself. I feel like I am a complete failure at recovery. I know that I need more structure or just more intense level of care. Something has to be better than this....it just has to be. I hate this....I'm struggling with symptoms. I don't want to purge, but to fight that urge has been nearly impossible. First, I felt guilty because I have been couch bound since Wednesday and now that I am starting to function some what back to normal, I feel that these urges shouldn't be happening. Who spends nearly four hours fighting a urge? Why can't ED just leave me the fuck alone. What have I done to have to go through this? I can't take this. May be I should be in Day. I keep second guessing ever decision that I try to make. Why can't someone make this decision for me? I just want a easy outcome. I officially hate my life.