I'm so angry and disappointed in myself. The last few days I have been really engaged in bulimic behaviors. I have been taking diet pills, diuretics and laxatives. I don't feel anything that I am doing is wrong, because I am not purging. I am eating no matter how much it may be, I'm eating. I don't feel safe without them. I was rushed to the ER because of them, but I am still using them and I don't care.  I don't have anyone here that is helping me be accountable, so what's the point in trying to do the right thing. I really don't see what's wrong with using them, I am fine and at this point I will do anything to lose weight, no matter how it may look.

I am really at the point where I do not care at about anything and that is fine with me. I have been using laxatives and diuretics for the past 2 weeks and I am okay with that. I love the feeling of being empty. If I must eat something, I might as well take a laxative behind it, it makes things better. I feel that taking laxatives makes the food issues so much easier. Such is my life and at this point I don't even know what that is anymore. I love feeling of being empty and pure.

I'm failing apart and no one knows it! I don't know how long I am going to be able to hold on. I feel like I am just merely existing in a world that hates me. Everyone keeps telling me to surround yourself with positive people. I thought I had done that. But I guess I was wrong. Someone sent me a text asking me to come to the wight loss doctor with them this week and I think I am going. I can't take this.  I don't care if it is self destructive or that my ED is going to be happy about it. I can't do this anymore. I want freedom and this is the only way to get it...I tried recovery and that doesn't work, trying something that I know that works.

contribute to this stupid fat talk culture where we all bring each

just blogging about their eating disorder, I don't care if you're

family member or doctor or therapist and for gods sake don't

computer and delete your account and go and talk to a friend or

"ana" and you know what, you have a problem, and you need help,

other down with ourselves.

PHOTOSHOPPED to make it look INHUMAN and they are probably SICK and

your goddamn "extreme thinspo" and wake up to what it really is.

"thigh gap" and "collarbone" and "perfection" and

it is a picture of an UNHEALTHY, UNHAPPY person which has been

I care if you are treating anorexia and bulimia as

feel the slightest piece of guilt that you are helping somebody else

to destroy themselves, that you are okay with encouraging others into

on their journey to self-loathing, that you are showing them new ways

how you can broadcast your tips and tricks and commandments and not

friend. You cannot pray to a goddamn illness. I don't understand

"Ana" is not your fucking friend. "Mia" is not your fucking

I am tired, I am tired of the crap that is been occurring in my life. I have tried to do the right thing, but nothing seems to be going my way or the way that I have accepted to, and I am tired.

I hate this thoughts that I am having. I need them to just stop. The thoughts that I am having are so paralyzing, literally. I have been isolating from friends and barely speaking to my roommate when she is here. I spend a lot of time in my room, that is where I feel safe. I am doing my best to get back on track, I am back to log meals and exchanges and I am also back to planning my meals out. I realized that I was spending too much of my time worrying about what my roommate was eating and not enough time on myself. Why is it so easy to get lost in other people when we all have so much shit going on in our lives. I  know by me focusing on others it is only a distraction from myself and my problems that  I don't want to face, and at this present time that is a lot going on that I'd rather not deal with.

I'm feeling really out of sorts and disconnected from everyone. I really want to just sleep all day. Things are starting to get really difficult. I don't want to do anything. I am forcing myself not to change my schedule too much. Don't want to cause worry. So I am still doing all the normal things that I do, like school and work. But after those things are done, I just go into my room and shut the door. I often cry myself to sleep, it is exhausting pretending that everything is well, when everything around me is falling apart.

 I have been having a difficult time with meals, so I have been eating as much as I can and eating with others, and what I don't eat in meals I suppliment with ensure. That is what I have to do for now. meals are just to difficult right now.

falling apart, and I'm losing hope and grip. My reality seemed better than this.

No on understands how ugly I feel how depressed I've become, I'm scared to show any other emotion then happy. I present to have things in order, but they are

anymire

I thought I could handle this. I thought I could be strong. I'm not I am weak. This thing is so much bigger than myself. I can't try

Thoughts April 2 12

So, I recently celebrated my birthday and I have to say it has been one of the worst birthdays that I have ever had. I wanted to isolate and sleep all day but I managed to go out to dinner with a friend, but that wasn't until 730. I managed to take a three hour nap.

A friend keeps commenting on how sac I seem and won't let up on the subject when I tell her that I am fine. It's not the type of support where she is asking what's wrong, it's the Nagging support where I just want to scream and pull my hair out because no matter what I say about how I am feeling she just doesn't understand me or my relationship with my eating disorder. She asked me the other day if I wanted to join this weig loss program at the gym, "It will help you feel better about yourself and you will lose weight." I explained to her why that was just utterly wrong of her to say and the only response I received was a shrugging of the shoulders and a blank stare. First, let's be she is very aware of my ED, I have invited her to MFG meetings and dinners with my nutrionist all is which she came to and fully participated in asking questions and listening to the things that members of my team expressed in ways that SH could help me. Things seem to have gone I'll at least that is the way that it seemed while in the sessions, now it's like none of those things even occurred. So, ehat's the point of constantly explaining what's wrong if no one understands?!?!?!

I'm at a loss, it really sucks not having a support system of sorts. I have meet a wonderful group of women in various treatment centers, and I talk with a few of them throughout the week, but I never really mention to them how I'm feeling or experiencing because I don't want to be a trigger to them. I refuse to go back to the hospital, I won't unless I'm forced to. And at the rate that people take my ED that won't be anytime soon. I am giving myself until the end of the year to change things around.

Thoughts

I'm sad and angry and I don't have anyone to blame but myself. My actions have caused me to be sad, lonely depressed. I read a friends post on here and I know that her thoughts are her thoughts and she is entitled to them, but I can't help the way that I am feeling right now. I have been feeling so guilt, because I know that I have been using my friend as a crutch and I know that is because for once I've meet someone that totally understands what I'm feeling, my thoughts are her thoughts and I no longer feel alone. But, now I feel more alone than ever. Because I feel that I have exhausted all of my resource with her. I feel that I have lost a friend and I am the one to blame because I used her, instead of going to my own support system. Let's be real I don't have a support system. And once I entered treatment I finally had that. And now I've lost that.

I am stepping away from the pain that I've caused and I'm going to wish her well. Because despite what she believes, she deserves nothing but the best, and I am not that. I will continue to pray for her and wish her well. I have to take a step back to allow her the time to grow and give myself the chance to get better if that is what I want. Right, now I don't know if that is something that I want or deserve.

Thoughts....Jan 29, 2012

so I haven't really updating like I feel that I normally should and it is starting to get the best of me. I completely hate my life right now and all that I want to do is curl in the bed and sleep my pains away. I am going to the point where going to work is starting to be the biggest chore and I hate that. I just want all this pain to be gone and there doesn't seem to be anyone to help me. I just want peace in my life, is that ever going to happen...it doesn't seem likely and that really hurts.

Living with ED fuckin sucks but there is a peace there that I am not ready to quite let go of yet.