Over Come

I'm truly struggling and it sucks right now. I'm full of doubt, questions that I feel that no one can understand nor answer, so I keep them to myself and loss sleep because I'm anxious and worried. I talked with M on Skype last night and she asked if I had decide anything regarding Renfrew or had I emailed P. I said no and I explained why. 1st I don't think that my issues are that server that I need to seek treatment. First of all, I'm about 245lbs, what person do you know that weights that much as a eating disorder? Yea, I know that I have lost 28lbs since Dec. and that does not seem like that much weight to me. But others seem to think that my behaviors are a call for alarm. Yes, I know that I purge and there a times that I binge and purge, but I just don't like the feeling of nausea that comes along with the fact that I have to eat.
While on vacation I'm thinking of really restricting my caloric intake to 500 calories or less. I am not sure how I am going to do this yet, but I am going to have to come up with a plan, maybe just having a boiled egg for breakfast and coffee and water throughout the day. I know that I can do this because my family is clueless to my eating disorder, so I am sure I can get away with it. It's not really about trying to get away with anything, but I'm just tired of being in this body. I want out and I'm going to get out at any cost.

Fighting........

I’m finding things to be really hard right now. I thought that taking medical leave from work would help, but it hasn’t and I have been released from work for a week now. And nothing seems to be getting better. I really need a lot of inspiration right now.

I have managed to attend a weekly Lunch Hour Bible study, that has been a great blessing to me. And I am so grateful for it.

I’m struggling with ED right now. And it hurts. I’m doing the best that I can to not focus and given to those behaviors and thoughts, but it seems that ED is screaming daily for me to give in to him. I don’t want to, but at times it seems that ED voice is louder than my own. I’m really trying not to purge, and distract myself, it only works to a certain degree. I wish I could start Renfrew as soon as possible, but it doesn’t seem that is going to be likely because I’m going on vacation with my mom from July 1-14 and there is no way that I can start the program now and leave without being medical discharged and Heather has already informed me that that isn’t going to be possible, because I have a lot of work that I need to do. =(

That’s all for now, I gotta try and finish this chapter. I started yesterday and I feel that it shouldn’t take me 3 days to read it, I should have finished the both of them by today. =(

Perfectionism SUCKS!!!!

Sadness Continues.......

I am truly struggling at this moment. I wish that I had the strength to make things magically better, but I don't have the strength nor the will power at this point and it sucks. I'm behind a week in my homework and the professor says that if we miss any assignments then we are going to feel the course automatically. So, I really need to find the courage to these missing assigments in. That is going to take a lot of strength and I don't think I have that. I can't even get myself together to do what I know I must do to tackle this eating disorder. After years of searching and hoping for a proper treatment place. I finally found one. Completed intake and reseve the proper diagnosis and I still can't seem to get it together to get the help that I know that I need. I'm scared that others going to find fault in me and judge me. I know that is highly unlikely, because we are all there to get help with our eating disorders, but form the outside I do not look like I have bulimia and anorexia, I look like I'm a over eater. I'm not. I don't eat. I take laxatives to help me get rid of the food that I eat. I take a water pill twice a day to get ready of water weight in hopes that it will help the numbers on the scale go down. I take a appetite surpresent in hopes that it will limit the amount of food that I eat on a daily bases. No matter what time I go to bed at night, I wake up at 4am every morning to go to the gym. I get to the point that I will eat and if I don't take the anxiety meds during my meals, I will purge, because I hate the feeling of having food just sit in my throat and I can't make it go down.I have a friend who is on administrative leave from her job and she is calling me at least 35x a day, just to talk and complain about how life isn't fair and no one understands her and she feels that the world is out to cause her to fail. I have so many thoughts about that, but I can't tell her because she is in such denial about her depression that it is really disturbing. I am really trying not to take her issues on as my own, but the type of person that I am, is not allowing me to do that.

Thoughtless

Why would a company promote a shirt such as this?!?! My thoughts and feelings have been all over the please. To see that Urban Outfitters are promoting eating disordered behavior is disheartening. Why advertise that it is ok to have a eating disorder?