Fustration with said treatment team.....

I'm beyond fustrated. Why can't doctors do what they know that they need to do?! I have been calling my doctors office since Monday trying to get them to fax my lab reaults to the treatment center and they still have not been faxed!! Why?!?! One minute I'm told that they still need to be signed by the doctor, the next minute I am told that they can't be faxed with out prior authorization from the treatment center. I decide that I would email the coordinator that I have been speaking with to ask to request them. She informs me that since I am the patient it is alright for me to ask for my own lab reports. So, I call back and I am told that they will be faxed. And it is Friday and they have yet to be faxed!?!? WTH!?! I don't understand.

I've also been calling my therapist to have her fax my blood work to the center. She calls me yesterday and told me that the phones at the office haven't been working and that she will try to fax them today. At this point I am not sure what to believe because I like my PCP, I had been calling my therapist office to get my blood results faxed. My therapist tells me yesterday that the reason that she hadn't faxed the results was because they had been replaced in the wrong portion of my file. WTH!?!? Won't the therapist view the file before just giving up, just in case that happened!?!? I don't get it. My therapist is really starting to annoy me. She seems to think that everything is a joke. This is not a joke. This is my LIFE damn it!!!! And, I'm tired of being ignored. Just because I don't have the average body of a person that suffers from a a eating disorder does not mean that I don't suffer for one. I am tired of telling or having to explain that eating disorders do NOT discriminate!!! I know that a lot of the facts that are presented in the social media is that eating disorders only affect whites, WRONG!!! They can affect anyone. I want to help bring awareness to this subject, but I know that I can't do this unless I get control of my own personal demons. All I am asking is for someone to just listen to what I have to say and don't pre-judge me before you get to know me. I am tired of struggling. I want to change. I can't do this alone. But apparently, I have no choice at this point and it sucks.

Jarriyah

Tough thoughts and struggles......

I'm struggling and I am not sure what I'm going to do about. I'm anxious about Wenesday. And I want it gone. I want my life back, but I am not willing to do what I need to do to get there. The very thought of it scares me. I know that this is something that I must do. There is a part of me that feels that I don't deserve treatment. I don't look sick enough, I'm not thin enough. There are so many other people who deserve that place in IOP. Why me. I don't want to do because I know that I am going to have to take time off from work, or just quiet all together. If I so that that means I am at risk for not having health insurance and that would mean no IOP for me anyway. This is really hard.

3 years ago

FINALLY someone does understand, and I am not alone. I have managed to open up to two people. And this was only after they constantly would as why I won't accept their dinner invitations. Or when I did accept them, I would order the same thing at every restaurant, a cup of soup and water or tea with no sugar. I never purged around them, but I had the dental effects from the purging. My friends got concerned because I started to get laryngitis all the time. But I still denied that I had a eating "issue".

My friends confronted me one day after being with them for an entire weekend and they never saw me eat anything but a handful of grapes. they asked if I had a eating disorder and I of course said no. And they both bluntly said "Baby, don't say you don't when you know that you do. We're judging you. We want to help you, we are going to work on this together, understand?" I was stunned that they just came at me like that. My response was "We?!? What is this we, I did this to myself, why would they want to help me, better yet why are they choosing to believe me when everyone else is turning away from me?" They said because We love you and We don't want anything to happen to you. At this point I had known my friends for 2 weeks. We had not even established a relationship. I later asked them how did they know that I have a ED. They said because We've been watching you. I was so taken by their words that I stopped talking and just looked at them. This was 3 years ago and we have formed a wonderful bond. And I have to say within these past 3 years, they have never told me that my ED was my fault. they get concerned when I don't eat or spend to much time alone. They voice their concerns, and talk to me and listens to me and helps me find that voice that ED keeps trying to take away from me. They certainly supports me 100%. If it weren't for their love and support I don't think I would be able to speak about my ED. I'm still not comfortable talking about to other persons other than them. But, my psychiatrist knows about my ED because she actually took the time to read my medical chart. And she makes me talk about. It causes a lot of anxiety and she knows that, but she still wants to know how I'm doing. I meet with her on Thursday and she informed me that she has recommend that I attend Renfrew IOP ASAP. So, I'm scheduled for lab work, EKG and what ever other test that Renfrew requires and if everything comes back by next week, I will start the program on July 26th. I'm not going to fight and argue that I don't have a problem or that I don't need help. I know that I do. So, I'm going to give treatment a try. So many people want this opportunity and because I understand that I don't want to take it for granted.

There have been times before when I tried to tell family, friends, basically anyone that would listen and I got the same response every time, you can't possible have a eating disorder, your black. So, I soon started to believe that myself. That only feed the eating disorder. I started engaging more and more into my ED behaviors because I know that no one believed me. My family still does not believe that I have a ED so, I just stopped talking to them about it.

I don't think that anyone ever fully recovers from a ED, we learn better ways to manage it, and we learn what triggers the episodes.

not good enough

The past few days have been a big blur....and I hate it. I had a session with my psychitriast Thursday and the last 2 sessions with her have not been very good. They have prodiced tons of anxiety that will not go away and I hate it. I was telling her about the most stressful part of my vacation. It wasn't the fact that I was with family, I really enjoyed that. It was the fact that every single meal was take out. The dr asked if I were able to chose more healthier options would that have had the siuation any better, um no. Because ever meal was brought for me. I did not have a chose in the things that I ate. Everyone felt that I wasn't eating enough, so to satisfy them I at and as soon as I got the chance to go to the restroom I would purge everything. There finally came a point in my vacation were I was able to finally it half of a breakfast item and that would be it for the remainder of the day. My family were off doing there on thing and I was left to spend time with my cousin which is something that I don't mind. It allowed me to forget the things that were waiting for me at home.

I am trying to start treatment on July 26. That is causing me a lot of worry because I am not sure if I am going to be finished treatment by the time I either have to report back to work or by the time the kids arrive. I don't want to lose my job because of this eating disorder, but I feel that I am not doing what I need to do to make it any better. I am still restricting. Taking water pills. getting the weekly B12 and [ipo-dissolve injection. I am also taking 2 different types of appetite surpresents and topamax that cause me to lose me wanting food. I haven't told any one about the diet pills in fear that they will force me to through them out and that is something that I am just not ready for that. This is what is finally helping me to lose weight and that bothers me. But yet and still I continue to engage in the same stupid behaviors.

Let Him Help....

Let him help

May God breathe new freshness into our tired, old lives this day. As you worship him and give thanks, let him fill you with his spirit, his compassion and his love. No matter how you are feeling, God can take away the pain, the doubt, the weariness and the fatigue. He is able to transform us in an instant.

But, we must let him and we must do as he says. We cannot ask for his help and then ignore his wisdom. We must come to him with open and willing hearts, ready to follow what he says is best for us. We cannot be like a patient who goes to the doctor to get better and then ignores the medication as well as the treatment. What has this person accomplished, but to become more miserable?

We can trust what God tells us to do. He knows the effect of our every action and word before we act. He knows what can make us better and what will make us worse. Left to our own devices, we usually make the wrong choice – the decision that will take us farther away from where we need to be.

This morning, as we lift our lives and problems to him, let us be ready to follow him without hesitation. May we believe, with all of our being, that his way is the best way. Never mind what we think. Doing what he says is the only way he can help us.

July 15, 2010

I want recovery so bad, but I am scared to death of it...I don't know what to expect, but I know that I don't want to continue to live this life that I'm living. I want to be thin and beautiful. But at what cost? Is my health important? At times I don't think so.(m0st 0f the time) Society tells me that I have to be this thin beautiful happy person all the time. My family tells me that I have to be happy all the time, I am not allowed to show any emotions. I can't tell my secrets. I have to keep them to myself in fear that others are going to find out the truth. I hate this. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with the way that God has blessed me with. But how do I do that when it seems that every corner that I turn there is someone, a TV, a advertisement telling me that I can't be happy with who I am unless I am starving myself to be perfect and restricting my daily, weekly, monthly caloric intake? It is that voice that tells me that I am not allowed to go anywhere there is food, unless before the event, I'm not allowed to eat a certain number of calories. What do I do when I know that the only thing that is stopping me from receiving the treatment that I need is myself? And the fact that I feel that I feel that I am not going to be able to get a job, if I quiet the one that I have. What I am I going to do? I want and I so need this change, but how do I get when I am so afraid that someone is going to judge me and tell me that I possibly can't have a eating disorder because statistics tell me that I can't and that eating disorders only effect white people? I know that this is not true, but I feel that I can't fight this fight because I do not have the strength. I feel so alone and a inconvenience to those that care for me. I need help, but where do I began, when I feel so alone and the easiest thing that it is for me to do is to ignore the issues at hand, this has always worked in the past.

July 14, 2010

I'm dealing with so many mixed feelings right now that I am not really sure to do with them. I'm returning home to the DMV, I'm happy about it, but sad about it because I know that I'm to the things that I left behind that I want to avoid, but I know that I can't anymore. It is ace them now or don't have them at all and stay stuck in this sickness. And that is something that I don't want anymore. I want to be better, but I don't think that I can do this on my own because I keep backing out of going to get my blood work done. It's not the fact that I am scared of needles, it's the fact that there is a part of me that feels that I don't deserve help. I caused this problem, why can't I fix it on my own? All I need to do is regain some sort of normal life, but I am not even sure what that is anymore. I am scared. Will I always feel this way, do I deserve to be better?

July 12, 2010

OMG!!!! My cousin has been a huge trigger for me today. She was eating dinner and she says Jarriyah, I feel anorexia because I just keep eating!!! WTH!?!? What kind of comment is that? You aren't anorexic sweetie, your ass is just greedy!!!!! Why would she say that? She knows about my eating disorder. But apparently, she does not care about it. I have been spending the last 2 weeks in this type of fog that I am trying to get out of, but it is not working and with that comment today, that just did not help. I ended up purging on a piece of chicken, biscuit, a salad and a Dr. Pepper. I hate the act that I did that, but the thoughts that were going through my head I feel that I had no choice. Thinking about it now, I am sure that I had another choice, I could have called a friend and talked about my feelings, but at the time and even now I feel as if I am going to be a burden on them. So, I have to do what I can just to make sure that I stay safe. I can't wait to return to some sort o normalcy. Because this is really starting to get old. I hate the fact that I feel that I do not have any control over anything that is happening in my life right now. Once I return to my apartment, I am sure things are going to be better, but until then, I am going to have to continue to do what I can have to make sure that I'm safe. I swear I feel that I have gained about 5 pounds since being here. I was txting a friend and she said, but Jay, your on vacation your suppose to gain wait, umm that is a negative. Gaining weight is not a option, and I'm not going to let the fact that I am on vacation stop me from reaching or finding some sort of peace.

Lonely

I'm not really in a good space right now. I feel myself going further and further into eating disordered behaviors and I feel that there is nothing that I can do about. I'm in a place were the only thing that people seem to do here is out all the time. I have been here for a week and that is the only thing that I have been doing is eating out. So until I leave here I'm going to be restricting. Do I want to no. But that is the only thing that I feel that is keeping me safe right now. Right now I have the urge the purge and I'm doing my best not to act on it, but it does not seem like that is going to be possible. The urge seems stronger than myself. I hate this feeling, it is so lonely. I wish that I had someone to talk to, but no one gets it. And I can't seem to explain. The only thing that I know is that I hate living this way, I want to get better. Bulimia is such a secretive and lonely disorder.

I'm really feeeling over whelmed right now. I need tp B/P and I can't the apartment is to small and there is only one bathroom. My younger cousins are here and I don't want them to start asking me any questions, just in case they hear me in the bathroom. The worst part there is no lock on the door, so anyone can just walk in. I have been eating nothing but fast food since I've arrived on Thursday, If anything I feel that instead of gaining like my doctor wants me too, I'm losing because I don't feel that I have the support that I need and it hurts. No one seems to understand, just how bad this situation is . I'm in it deeper that I thought and I'm trying to find away out and I can't. For the past month I really feel as if I am fight a war within myself that I'm lossing. I feel out of control and there again there does not seem to be anthing that I'm able to do about it. I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep that I caqn't even keep my eyes open. I want help my question in regaurding thus situation is that I will be able to have a emotional suoort so that I can move on with my life because right now I reallly truly feel exposed on so many levels. And I really don't know how to get a grip and I understand that I really need to get one fast, but where do I start?