July 12, 2010

OMG!!!! My cousin has been a huge trigger for me today. She was eating dinner and she says Jarriyah, I feel anorexia because I just keep eating!!! WTH!?!? What kind of comment is that? You aren't anorexic sweetie, your ass is just greedy!!!!! Why would she say that? She knows about my eating disorder. But apparently, she does not care about it. I have been spending the last 2 weeks in this type of fog that I am trying to get out of, but it is not working and with that comment today, that just did not help. I ended up purging on a piece of chicken, biscuit, a salad and a Dr. Pepper. I hate the act that I did that, but the thoughts that were going through my head I feel that I had no choice. Thinking about it now, I am sure that I had another choice, I could have called a friend and talked about my feelings, but at the time and even now I feel as if I am going to be a burden on them. So, I have to do what I can just to make sure that I stay safe. I can't wait to return to some sort o normalcy. Because this is really starting to get old. I hate the fact that I feel that I do not have any control over anything that is happening in my life right now. Once I return to my apartment, I am sure things are going to be better, but until then, I am going to have to continue to do what I can have to make sure that I'm safe. I swear I feel that I have gained about 5 pounds since being here. I was txting a friend and she said, but Jay, your on vacation your suppose to gain wait, umm that is a negative. Gaining weight is not a option, and I'm not going to let the fact that I am on vacation stop me from reaching or finding some sort of peace.