3 years ago

FINALLY someone does understand, and I am not alone. I have managed to open up to two people. And this was only after they constantly would as why I won't accept their dinner invitations. Or when I did accept them, I would order the same thing at every restaurant, a cup of soup and water or tea with no sugar. I never purged around them, but I had the dental effects from the purging. My friends got concerned because I started to get laryngitis all the time. But I still denied that I had a eating "issue".

My friends confronted me one day after being with them for an entire weekend and they never saw me eat anything but a handful of grapes. they asked if I had a eating disorder and I of course said no. And they both bluntly said "Baby, don't say you don't when you know that you do. We're judging you. We want to help you, we are going to work on this together, understand?" I was stunned that they just came at me like that. My response was "We?!? What is this we, I did this to myself, why would they want to help me, better yet why are they choosing to believe me when everyone else is turning away from me?" They said because We love you and We don't want anything to happen to you. At this point I had known my friends for 2 weeks. We had not even established a relationship. I later asked them how did they know that I have a ED. They said because We've been watching you. I was so taken by their words that I stopped talking and just looked at them. This was 3 years ago and we have formed a wonderful bond. And I have to say within these past 3 years, they have never told me that my ED was my fault. they get concerned when I don't eat or spend to much time alone. They voice their concerns, and talk to me and listens to me and helps me find that voice that ED keeps trying to take away from me. They certainly supports me 100%. If it weren't for their love and support I don't think I would be able to speak about my ED. I'm still not comfortable talking about to other persons other than them. But, my psychiatrist knows about my ED because she actually took the time to read my medical chart. And she makes me talk about. It causes a lot of anxiety and she knows that, but she still wants to know how I'm doing. I meet with her on Thursday and she informed me that she has recommend that I attend Renfrew IOP ASAP. So, I'm scheduled for lab work, EKG and what ever other test that Renfrew requires and if everything comes back by next week, I will start the program on July 26th. I'm not going to fight and argue that I don't have a problem or that I don't need help. I know that I do. So, I'm going to give treatment a try. So many people want this opportunity and because I understand that I don't want to take it for granted.

There have been times before when I tried to tell family, friends, basically anyone that would listen and I got the same response every time, you can't possible have a eating disorder, your black. So, I soon started to believe that myself. That only feed the eating disorder. I started engaging more and more into my ED behaviors because I know that no one believed me. My family still does not believe that I have a ED so, I just stopped talking to them about it.

I don't think that anyone ever fully recovers from a ED, we learn better ways to manage it, and we learn what triggers the episodes.