July 15, 2010

I want recovery so bad, but I am scared to death of it...I don't know what to expect, but I know that I don't want to continue to live this life that I'm living. I want to be thin and beautiful. But at what cost? Is my health important? At times I don't think so.(m0st 0f the time) Society tells me that I have to be this thin beautiful happy person all the time. My family tells me that I have to be happy all the time, I am not allowed to show any emotions. I can't tell my secrets. I have to keep them to myself in fear that others are going to find out the truth. I hate this. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with the way that God has blessed me with. But how do I do that when it seems that every corner that I turn there is someone, a TV, a advertisement telling me that I can't be happy with who I am unless I am starving myself to be perfect and restricting my daily, weekly, monthly caloric intake? It is that voice that tells me that I am not allowed to go anywhere there is food, unless before the event, I'm not allowed to eat a certain number of calories. What do I do when I know that the only thing that is stopping me from receiving the treatment that I need is myself? And the fact that I feel that I feel that I am not going to be able to get a job, if I quiet the one that I have. What I am I going to do? I want and I so need this change, but how do I get when I am so afraid that someone is going to judge me and tell me that I possibly can't have a eating disorder because statistics tell me that I can't and that eating disorders only effect white people? I know that this is not true, but I feel that I can't fight this fight because I do not have the strength. I feel so alone and a inconvenience to those that care for me. I need help, but where do I began, when I feel so alone and the easiest thing that it is for me to do is to ignore the issues at hand, this has always worked in the past.