not good enough

The past few days have been a big blur....and I hate it. I had a session with my psychitriast Thursday and the last 2 sessions with her have not been very good. They have prodiced tons of anxiety that will not go away and I hate it. I was telling her about the most stressful part of my vacation. It wasn't the fact that I was with family, I really enjoyed that. It was the fact that every single meal was take out. The dr asked if I were able to chose more healthier options would that have had the siuation any better, um no. Because ever meal was brought for me. I did not have a chose in the things that I ate. Everyone felt that I wasn't eating enough, so to satisfy them I at and as soon as I got the chance to go to the restroom I would purge everything. There finally came a point in my vacation were I was able to finally it half of a breakfast item and that would be it for the remainder of the day. My family were off doing there on thing and I was left to spend time with my cousin which is something that I don't mind. It allowed me to forget the things that were waiting for me at home.

I am trying to start treatment on July 26. That is causing me a lot of worry because I am not sure if I am going to be finished treatment by the time I either have to report back to work or by the time the kids arrive. I don't want to lose my job because of this eating disorder, but I feel that I am not doing what I need to do to make it any better. I am still restricting. Taking water pills. getting the weekly B12 and [ipo-dissolve injection. I am also taking 2 different types of appetite surpresents and topamax that cause me to lose me wanting food. I haven't told any one about the diet pills in fear that they will force me to through them out and that is something that I am just not ready for that. This is what is finally helping me to lose weight and that bothers me. But yet and still I continue to engage in the same stupid behaviors.