At all cost....

Lately, I have been really terrible body image and I am not really sure where to direct my anger and frustration, other than placing the blame on myself. I have started taking diet pills and water pills and lax again. That is the only thing that is helping me to feel better about all the crap that's happening in my life right now. I want to just dispear and at this point I am doing what I have to do to get there at all cost.

Thoughts....

I'm really having a hard time and I am not really sure what to do about it. I feel so lost. I feel so ugly. I hate having bulimia. But yet I am so afraid to let it go. It continues to damage my teeth. On Thursday while eating a apple my toth came out. It is he tooth that is next to my front tooth. It angers me so much. I brush my teeth twice a day, I visit the dentist on a regular schedule and nothing seems to be getting better when it comes to my teeth and I am the one to blame, but yet I can't stop this addictive behavior. I have been through Renfrew intensive outpatient twice. Renfrew day program and intense therapy at Dominion Hospital and I know all the consequences but it is stil not clicking. I know a lot of this has to do with the stress that is occurring on my jobs, but I can t change that but I can control the things that I but in my body a d how I get rid of it. I feel like I am a hopeless cause. I and I don't see the point in trying anymore.

Nov. 20th

I'm not sure how much more of this sh*t I am going to be able to take. Last week I emailed my therapist and told her that I wasn't going to be seeing her anymore. The reason being is that after my last week inIOP I felt that she has the head member of my treatment team, completely failed me. I lost the ability to trust her. Trusting my therapist is very important to me because I have such a hard time trusting people especially with my past. I did what I could to trust her. But I just couldn't. She never took the time to discuss the things that I needed to address, or the things that I may have brought in the autobiography of my eating disorder.instead she place the conteNts in my file. She wanted to discuss with me, the idea of moving to a supportive living home. I kept telling her no that this was something that I didn't want to discuss. She didn't care. Great now I am the one that has to leave therapy feeling like nothing got accomplished.

I struggling so much to get exchanges in. I'm doing what I should by reaching or to supportive people. I have a few people that are there. But how do I feel comfortable reaching out to others when I know that we are all struggling? I can't...now that I don't have that therapist relationship anymore , I have really set myself up to fail. I am failure that seems to be the only thing that I do correct.

Terrified

I'm struggling so much right now...........and it f'ckin sucks. I finally had a productive meeting with C. and she said that she hears me and feels my pain. She finally wants to do another assessment to see if I need a higher level a care. I think I do...but I'm scared....what if I have another school year like last year and I am not able to return to work until Jan. I feel that I'm at a lost of what to do and it scares me. I know the right thing to do is to start a higher level of care and take things the one step and time and stay positive but man I am so scared. C wants me to tell her what level of care I need. I think that I may need day. I'm so scared and I am not sure I know what to do....help

The last few days have been nothing but this big challenge that I am not willing ot fight anymore. I can't take this anymore. My eating disorder voice is screaming at me and I am listening because I feel that my therapist isn't. The only thing that she seems concerned with is my meeting exchanges. That is the one thing that I could care less about right now. I actually want to get a better understanding of why I am doing the things that I am doing and she isn't helping me get there. She is just making me feel so much guilt for not meeting exchanges and that is not helping. I hate this life and I am tried of trying to figure this shit out by myself............

Random thoughts at this current momment. ....

I fuckin hate when people try and make decsions for me!! Your not me so don't even try. Because you have decided to be selfish and not want to be around me I'm left here thinking that there is something wrong with me. Although, logically I know that it is not. I just feel comepletly worthless and even hopeless at times. The only thing that is keeping me focused right now is the number that I am seeing on the scale. Yes, I am allowing that number to control how I feel. Only because it is the verything that is keeping me at peace right now. I love the fact that when I step on the scale the number is getting smaller. I love setting small goals for myself. This is in hope that one day I will which my ultimite weight goal. on't ask me what that is because I am not telling. I will just say that my 1st short term goal is to lose 15 pounds by June 8. Which I think is totally doable. Partly, becasue there is no food in my house and I don't have the time nor do I desire to make the time to go shopping for food anytime soon. I am heading to a therapy session now and I after that I will be going ohme ot lace up my running shoes. I have found the obsession of running and it feels so freeing.

Mixed Emotions and hoplessness..................

I don't feel safe anymore. I just left my therapy session with Collen and let's just say that I am having really bad urges to use symptoms right now and I so could but I am doing my best to set with this feeling of being full. I am not sure hiw much longer I am going to be able set with feeling. Collen kept saying the more that I stick with my meal plan exchanges the better I feel. But I am seriuosly doubting that because right now I have been sitting with this feeling for about a hour and I feel so much worse now than when I first down to have this damn tea and a small cookie thing from Startbucks.

Colleen asked what had i eaten since this morning. I told her and she said so you basically only had 4 exchanges today. Well, yea if you want to put it that way, I only had 4 exchanges now 6 so I hope that makes her happy. Collen then later told me that she feels that the reason that I am not trying to add structure into my summer is because she feels that I am not ready to give up my ED and I just want to spend my summer in my eating disorder. Yes, there are times that I don't want to give up my ED but I don't want to have my entire summer dedicated to it either. The only thing that I am honestly searching for is a piece of mind and at times I feel that that can be found with me being with my eating disoder.. I have many mixed emotions and I am tired of trying to defined my actions to why I do what I do.

Weekend Thoughts....

I'm beyond frustrated with my eating disorder right now. I don't understand this feelings anymore. One minute I am feeling fine and doing well, but the minute that I have to start to think about eating, I start to feel sick to my stomach and I can't explain why. All I know is that I feel nauseous and I'm welling to do anything tho make this feeling go away. Even if that means skipping a meal or two. Today I have managed to have a boost, 2slices of toast with butter, a resse's cup and 2 cokes. I don't want anything else. I just want the thoughts in my head to be gone. I don't think this is ever going to get easier. And I feel like a failure.

Weekend Thoughts....

I am sitting her at work with not much to do because the kids are on spring break and I decied to come in to get some work done. Not like that I have much to do, but it helps me to get up and get my day started knowing that I have to be somewhere at a certain time. So, I came in the same time as if the kids were here. There isn't much different, at home it would be quiet and here it's quiet, I am just fully dressed and starting my day at my desk with a book and a diet pepsi. :)

My weekend was pretty good. Saturday I went to Baltimore to the Renfrew Recovery workshop and I have to say that I am very proud of the turn out. The girls from Renfrew-Bethesda, were there in full force. It was great to see and spend time Julianne and Kelly. We had lunch in the inner harbor. That was nice. We went to a sushi bar for lunch and that was very interesting. The witress was really pushy and agressive. She kept bring drinks to the table way before the other drinks were finished. And she even brought me those plastic chop stick holders because she felt that I need help to learn how to hold a chop stick. Please, lady just because I don't hold a chop stick the way that you do, doesn't mean that I am doing something wrong. Just sayin.

I'm getting to the point where I am getting to be fed up with treatment, but I keep trying to remind myself that this is only temporary and if I just do what I need to do, things will be alright. But at times it doesn't seem like that is possible. I get paid on Friday and it seems that, that entire check is already accounted for between rent and treatment and the next 2 weeks are going to be the same way. Sometimes, I wish I could just quiet but I am scared that if I do that then, I know that I will die and I don't want that and for some reason that isn't enough for me to do what I need to do to be healthy.

Treament.....

I'm feeling extremely exhausted. I have been for the last week. I told Colleen about it yesterday. She said that it would make sense. I have been attending therapy 3X a week for the past 2 weeks. She said that sense I am starting to trust my treatment team and being more open and honest, I'm going to be tired. She also said that if I weren't tired after this past weeks she would be concerned.

I thought that at the end of the week, I would be going to a higher level of care. But Colleen feels that because there are so many barriers that I need to work on, she feels that continuing with therapy 3x a week is good. I'm really trying to trust the team and go with their recommendations, but it's so hard.

I calculated the amount of money that I needed to allocate to treatment for the next 2 weeks and it came to 222.00 That is with 6 therapy sessions and 1 nutrition session. Just seeing those numbers make me heart feel as if it is going to job out of my chest. That's 444. Dollars a month and soon, that is going to be more. My isurance company adds 5 dollars more after 30 individual sessions. So, that is going to bring my total to 180 every 2 weeks plus 72 every 2 weeks for nutrition. With a total of 252 that I give renfrew every 2 weeks. This just makes things in possible. Because between rent and renfrew and cell, cable, electricity, I feel that I am never going to get caught up on bills. I know that this feeling is just temporary, but I just don't see a end in sight.

Too Much........

I just don't get this anymore...I am really getting to the point where I'm not sure what direction to take anymore. I'm beyond frustrated with myself. I feel like I am a complete failure at recovery. I know that I need more structure or just more intense level of care. Something has to be better than this....it just has to be. I hate this....I'm struggling with symptoms. I don't want to purge, but to fight that urge has been nearly impossible. First, I felt guilty because I have been couch bound since Wednesday and now that I am starting to function some what back to normal, I feel that these urges shouldn't be happening. Who spends nearly four hours fighting a urge? Why can't ED just leave me the fuck alone. What have I done to have to go through this? I can't take this. May be I should be in Day. I keep second guessing ever decision that I try to make. Why can't someone make this decision for me? I just want a easy outcome. I officially hate my life.

IP.....

I know that I need IP, but just the thought of it scares me, because I feel that I would be giving up so much. Like, what if I decide to go IP would I lose my apartment, how will a mange with bills. I know those are just excuse to keep me stuck in my ED but those are the types of things that I worry about. But I know IP is something that I need. I need to get away from the things that are causing me to use symptoms and causing me to avoid the real under lining issues.

The ED part of me feels that I don't need IP, that is manly because I was telling my aunt about my current struggles and she told she felt that I was depending on Renfrew and therapy too much. She said that if she felt that I need this much therapy, she would have been snatched me up and put me in the hospital. (She is a Dr. of Clinical Psychology) So, I have been battling with the thought that she is right, may be I am not as made off as I think that I am. May be I am depending too much on Renfrew and therapy. I know this isn't rational thinking, but I just feel like I am depending on everyone else thoughts, but my own right now, and that scares me.

Tough thoughts and struggles......March 25

Things are going alright. I sprained my ankle on Tuesday, which I am really not sure how I did that. I haven't been exercising or anything major. Only walking. I'm starting to wonder if the injury may be related to my eating disorder...something that I'm sure I should bring up in therapy on Monday.

I have been feeling really guilty for the lack of exchanges that I have been missing. I don't see it as a big deal, although, I am sure that I should. I feel that since I haven't been able to walk since Tuesday, it shouldn't matter that I have missed exchanges, am not using them if I am just sitting with my foot elevated doing nothing. Black and white thinking, I am sure, but that is how I feel.

I sent my sister a message on FB asking her to send me my mom's cell number...why has she not answered me!?!? I know she is updating her FB page, I have read the statuses....why does my family hate me so much?????

Random Thoughts.....

I should feel better now that I'm trying to put things in to place so that I won't be so finical worried when it comes to treatment. But I'm not there. I feel that I'm far from it. I don't know what I want from anything anymore. I just truly feel that I'm just excising more than I'm living and it's frustrating. I just want to be happy and successful in life, but I don't ever feel that I'm going to get there.

I'm struggling today with all exchanges, and I don't know why. I have had a sandwich for lunch that meet all exchanges for lunch and I felt so guilty that I fell asleep and I woke up at 7pm and I had a nutri-grain bar and water, so I basically meet my starch exchange for dinner. I don't trust that this meal plan isn't going to cause me to gain weight. I wish I did. I see the volume of food that is suggested that I eat at meals and it totally bugs me out. I feel that I shouldn't be given that amount of food. I'm already over weight and not limiting my caloric intake isn't going to do me any harm, I could afford to miss a meal or two or even three. I just want to be happy with my appearance and I feel that I'm never going to get there gaining weight, the only way that I'm going to get to that point is to lose weight. I wish I were closer to acceptance of my body whether than hating it.

I feel fine with the amount of calories that I've eaten today.

Screams

I'm so freakin frustrated!!! I'm really trying to direct this anger that I have to a different healthy place but it is not working. I hate working with a group of incompetent people. I did not earn my BA degree in psychology to be chasing after a child that if she bumps into me I would fall. Nor did I earn my psychology to do the things that teachers did not want to do. I'm not the teacher in your class so why do I need to take on that role, just because you don't want too? Today's events are a constant reminder of why I am going to have to make that scarfices to to earn my MSW!!

Hating myself more and more.....

I fuckin can't do this anymore!! I hate my body and there isn't anything that I can do about it. I meet with my nutritionist today and it really sucked. I wasn't expected to get weighed today, but I guess that would make sense I am in a eating disorder clinic, but fuck. I was honest about my symptom usage even to the point were I told her about the diet pill usage. I'm angry because my eating disorder symptoms used to work before Renfrew and now they don't. Why!?!?! Sarah keeps talking about a set point weight. What is that? I feel whatever it is, I have a long way before I am even there. I want all of this weight gone, and I feel that I am not able to stop symptoms until the weight is gone. Very eating disorder, but that is how I feel.

It is so easy to return to the way things used to be.....

I'm really having a difficult time with symptoms. I did not sleep well and I know that I had to come to work today. I did not want to allow the snow to stop me from coming in. I think a lot of that had to do with email correspondence that I had with the principal. But anyway, that is neither here nor there. I did not get any sleep last night and the first thing that I did this morning was to have a diet coke and some diet pills. I took the diet pills because I knew they were going to give me the energy that I needed to make it through the day. They were also going to stop the hunger. My hunger and fullness cues are out of tone with my body anyway so it is not really like that make a bit of a difference.

I know that I shouldn't be using symptoms, but that is the only way that I can seem to cope with anything that is going on in my life right now. I wonder if Colleen got in touch with my mom yet.

giving up................

I'm really struggling today. I'm tired of feeling like this. I am not longer happy and I'm sick of putting on this front. Recovery sucks ass and I don't know why I am struggling so much. I have only had 3 pieces of pizza today and it is almost 9pm. I feel like I am back at square one. I can't tell people the truth because they keep telling me that I should know certain things by now and I don't. But I can't tell them anything because I feel that they won't get it. I don't understand what is happening with me. I want to quiet treatment. I need the money that I am using for treatment for for other things. I hate this, I am so lonely.

fustrated

I am beyond frustrated with myself. I haven't been out of IOP for a week yet and I am already slipping fast into old eating disorder habits. I have been restricting and using other symptoms. I posted a few concerns on the Renfrew's FB page and low and behold, I get a call from my therapist last night telling me that she is concerned about me because of the comment that I placed on the message board asking for support. I don't feel that I have done anything wrong, but I am sure that something is going to be said on friday. I just feel at a loss because I am slowly sleeping back into old habits and I can't stop.

I am so frustrated with everything right now. I really don't feel that anything is ever going to get any better. I'm tired of having to fight this battle alone, and not getting any where. All I am asking for is support and I am not getting it. And for what ever Colleen seems to think that telling my mom about my eating disorder is going to cause my mom to want to support me more. Well guess what I seriously doubt that is going to be the case. I sent my mom a text telling her about the past 7 months of my life and my eating disorder treatment. And I haven't heard anything. I doubt that I will and I hate this, the only thing that I am asking for is support and I am not getting it. I want to stay with the eating disorder, it seems to be my only friend the only thing that will listen and support me.

I don't feel that anything has changed regarding my eating disorder behavior and that is really frustrating. I am still taking diet pills and laxatives and weighing myself multiple times a day. I am hoping to lose X amount of pounds by June. I wonder if is possible to lose 20 pounds in a month. Well it can't hurt to try can it.

Lost...........

I am beyond angry right now. I hate the fact that I feel so out of control. There isn't anything that I can do about. Why did Suntrust cancel my checking account. Yeah, I know there has been 7 months of inactivity, but that wasn't my fault, DAMN IT!!!! I have been in FUCKIN treatment and out of work. My mind is really racing right now. I just had dinner, because I started to feel nausea. I'm angry because I have allowed my eating disorder defeat me today. 2 meals and not all exchanges during those meals!! WTF, I'm not acting like I want recovery, I act as if I want my eating disorder for ever. What is wrong with me? I feel so lose and out of control. All I want to do is to be happy. But why does it seem the only way that I am going to be happy is if I lose weight? I went as far as to take diet pills today and it made me feel great in the moment and now I feel nothing but guilt.

We had a snow storm yesterday and that caused schools to close today. Their opening on a 2hr delay tomorrow. And I'm not going because I canceled transportation because my pick up time was for the normal times that I am suppose to arrive at work. I'm at the point where I don't even care about my job anymore. I have been out of work for the last week because I have been sick, I needed to get a physical for Renfrew. I have a opened wound and I am antibiotics. I sent a email to the principal explaining to her what has been going on with my health and he response has really hurt me to the core. I had a high expectations that things would be different and their not and I thought I was in a better place to handle things and I am not and it bothers me. I hate this. The only thing that I want is to be happy...is that to much to ask? I am on slippery slope to no where fast.

This is the respone from my principal

"Ms. Young,

I understand your situation; however, please keep in mind that my first concern is that students are receiving the services they deserve. Since returning, you have had several absences. As a result, I must request medical documentation for subsequent absences. I will formalize this request in the form of a memorandum.

Please try to arrange your schedule so that you may attend your appointments and work simultaneously. I hope you feel better."

Sorry I caught a bug, sorry I needed to get a physical and blood work done. Sorry I've been placed on antibiotics. Sorry I can't walk on ice because out of fear of falling. I'm sorry my first concern is MYSELF and my HEALTH.

I feel like crap and rejected, I just want to be happy and health and apparently that is too much to ask.

So many emotions flowing through me right now....

Hopeless.........

I'm slowly losing hope of ever recovering from this damn eating disorder. I am going to be graduating on Feb. 10 from IOP. And I still feel the same, if not worse than when I entered day treatment on Aug. 6. I'm not suppose to be downing diet pills as if it were candy. I'm not suppose to know my weight, let alone weighing myself at least 15 times a day, hoping that every time I step on the scale the numbers will read differently than they did an hour or maybe even every 30 mins. I hate this feeling, I just want to be happy. I still feel that my weight defines me. It is really difficult that I'm already getting excited about discharge, not because I recovered, but because I can return to my eating disorder and weight loss full time. First goal is to lose 30 pounds by my b-day. I can do this.

I feel like I can't do this anymore. I had a tough day at Renfrew. I'm fustrated that there is a part of me that really does not desire recovery. I'm really getting to the point were I'm litereally faking it to I make it. Sarah asked me today if I really want to recover. I hate when she asked me that because in my mind I want to say no I don't want to recovery. But a part of me says that I have to be the perfect person and say yes I won't to recover. I have been doing recovery for nearly 6 months. When is enough going to be enough. I want to be happy but, what is making me not do the things that I know that I need to do. Why is this eating disorder voice so strong. Why won't it just stop playing these tricks on me. I don't want to give into the eating disorder, but I feel that I have no choice. I'm really starting to think that I am going to starting going to weight watchers again. I think that will do me some good. At least I will be losing weight. That's all that matters to me at this point. I need to be happy and I am not sure how to do that anymore. I really just feel like I want to just write in my food logs and on my check informs what staff want to hear, because then that will stop the questions of wanting to know if I want to recover. I want to lose weight, that is what I want to do. just getting to a certain number that I have decide is safe is what I am going to do. I am going to start getting ride of all the not so safe foods. I don't care what it takes and if I end back at Renfrew, I have to get rid of this damn weight

Tough thoughts and struggles......

I don't know how much of this I am going to be able to take. When and I am going to start believing the things that are being said to me, by the staff at Renfrew. I know that they know what they are talking about, but the hardest thing that bothers me is that I feel that no one understands me. At least that is what my eating disorder tells me. I know that my treatment would not be telling me these lies. I just want to believe them so bad. But it is hard. I have managed to stick to all exchanges this weekend. Which is the first time in awhile that I have been able to to do this. I am not sure how long I am going to be able to keep this up. Because there is a part of me that wants to lose 50 pounds using symptoms. But then that means I would have wasted thousands of dollars on treatment. And that is not cool.

I have been really sad these few weeks. I don't want to do anything. I am now back at work after being on medical leave for 8 months. And sadly nothing at work has changed and it bothers me. What is the point of being assertive if no one is going to listen to the things that I have to say. At times I feel that it is best that I keep quiet as to not offend anyone. I know that I am having the wrong type of attitude but, I am just not happy. I am worried because although I am back at work, I have to wait another 2 weeks before I receive a pay check, I have not paid my bills this month yet and it seems that I am going to be doubling up on them. I don't even have enough to pay for treatment for the next 2 weeks, what I am I going to do. I hate the feeling of being helpless and hopeless. Damn, it the only thing I want is to be happy with myself. But I don't feel that I am worth it. I need, help.

Short Update

I just finished my first full work week in 8 months because I had in day treatment for my eating disorder. And my treatment team felt that it would be in my best interest if I waited until after the holidays to return to work. I really enjoy the staff at Ren, But one thing that is really starting to annoy the hell out of me is when staff continuously tell me that I should know something by now because I have been in treatment for 8 months. I really wish that was the case. I have a hard time talking about my personal life and no one gets it. I hate the fact that my eating disorder is having this much control over my life. I feel that I have no support, so that makes things twice as hard. I want to be happy, but at times it doesn't seem worth it.

New Year............

I guess I should start off by saying Happy New Year. I am really trying to stay positive when it comes to sticking to all my meal plan exchanges. This is a new year, so what not make things right. So far so good. I went to the store and spent 112 on grocerys to make sure that I have all the exchanges that I need for breakfast and lunch. I think I did a pretty good job. I need to make a spread sheet to share with my therapist.