Random Thoughts.....

I should feel better now that I'm trying to put things in to place so that I won't be so finical worried when it comes to treatment. But I'm not there. I feel that I'm far from it. I don't know what I want from anything anymore. I just truly feel that I'm just excising more than I'm living and it's frustrating. I just want to be happy and successful in life, but I don't ever feel that I'm going to get there.

I'm struggling today with all exchanges, and I don't know why. I have had a sandwich for lunch that meet all exchanges for lunch and I felt so guilty that I fell asleep and I woke up at 7pm and I had a nutri-grain bar and water, so I basically meet my starch exchange for dinner. I don't trust that this meal plan isn't going to cause me to gain weight. I wish I did. I see the volume of food that is suggested that I eat at meals and it totally bugs me out. I feel that I shouldn't be given that amount of food. I'm already over weight and not limiting my caloric intake isn't going to do me any harm, I could afford to miss a meal or two or even three. I just want to be happy with my appearance and I feel that I'm never going to get there gaining weight, the only way that I'm going to get to that point is to lose weight. I wish I were closer to acceptance of my body whether than hating it.

I feel fine with the amount of calories that I've eaten today.