Tough thoughts and struggles......

I don't know how much of this I am going to be able to take. When and I am going to start believing the things that are being said to me, by the staff at Renfrew. I know that they know what they are talking about, but the hardest thing that bothers me is that I feel that no one understands me. At least that is what my eating disorder tells me. I know that my treatment would not be telling me these lies. I just want to believe them so bad. But it is hard. I have managed to stick to all exchanges this weekend. Which is the first time in awhile that I have been able to to do this. I am not sure how long I am going to be able to keep this up. Because there is a part of me that wants to lose 50 pounds using symptoms. But then that means I would have wasted thousands of dollars on treatment. And that is not cool.

I have been really sad these few weeks. I don't want to do anything. I am now back at work after being on medical leave for 8 months. And sadly nothing at work has changed and it bothers me. What is the point of being assertive if no one is going to listen to the things that I have to say. At times I feel that it is best that I keep quiet as to not offend anyone. I know that I am having the wrong type of attitude but, I am just not happy. I am worried because although I am back at work, I have to wait another 2 weeks before I receive a pay check, I have not paid my bills this month yet and it seems that I am going to be doubling up on them. I don't even have enough to pay for treatment for the next 2 weeks, what I am I going to do. I hate the feeling of being helpless and hopeless. Damn, it the only thing I want is to be happy with myself. But I don't feel that I am worth it. I need, help.