Mixed Emotions and hoplessness..................

I don't feel safe anymore. I just left my therapy session with Collen and let's just say that I am having really bad urges to use symptoms right now and I so could but I am doing my best to set with this feeling of being full. I am not sure hiw much longer I am going to be able set with feeling. Collen kept saying the more that I stick with my meal plan exchanges the better I feel. But I am seriuosly doubting that because right now I have been sitting with this feeling for about a hour and I feel so much worse now than when I first down to have this damn tea and a small cookie thing from Startbucks.

Colleen asked what had i eaten since this morning. I told her and she said so you basically only had 4 exchanges today. Well, yea if you want to put it that way, I only had 4 exchanges now 6 so I hope that makes her happy. Collen then later told me that she feels that the reason that I am not trying to add structure into my summer is because she feels that I am not ready to give up my ED and I just want to spend my summer in my eating disorder. Yes, there are times that I don't want to give up my ED but I don't want to have my entire summer dedicated to it either. The only thing that I am honestly searching for is a piece of mind and at times I feel that that can be found with me being with my eating disoder.. I have many mixed emotions and I am tired of trying to defined my actions to why I do what I do.