The Sadness and Fustration Continues......

I'm tired of trying to fight that I can't win...What is the point in trying if every time I turn around there is someone telling me that I don't have a eating disorder. For crying out loud, you don't have to be a size 0 to have a eating disorder. I am tired of fight this fight alone. There isn't anyone that I can turn to because no one understands it. Everyone seems to think that I can't have a eating disorder because of my outer appearance. But if people started to look past that they would see so much more. They can't so I'm left to suffer alone.

My anxiety is through the roof. I fight the urge to cut, I have been for sometime now and that feeling hasn't gotten better, it has only gotten worse. I'm pissed at the nurse from the hospital telling "Ashley" very personal parts of me. I had been calling for the past 2 weeks to get my lab results faxed to the treatment center and they have not faxed them. So, I called them for a good part of the morning and got no where, but the run around of them telling me that the doctor would give me a call back today, and guess what, she didn't call. I'm tired. "Ashley" calls requesting documentation stating my physical disability. So after giving the nurse my personal information, the nurse says "Are you calling about the eating disorder forms?" WTH!!! How dare that nurse just tell my business of the phone like that? "Ashley" didn't know about my eating disorder, but now she does and that hurts like hell. I feel so exposed. I told certain people about my eating disorder for a reason. I told them because I know that I could trust them. Not because I know that they were going to go and broadcast my information.. What I am I going to do. To say that I feel exposed, is a understatement. I hate this. I am at the point where I just want to stop everything. Going to work, going to church, stopping all medications, and all forms of therapy. What is the point in continuing. My needs aren't being with my current therapist, so why do I need to keep going. That is a waste of my time. All I am asI nking for is for someone to listen to me, I'm screaming for help and no one is listen, not even God at times(at least that is how I feel.) The only way this can change is for me to get the help that I am begging for is for me to at least attend a IOP program. I need help and no one cares so why should I. So I'm going to continue to do what I feel is right, and that is restricting, binging, purging, fasting. Why not, everyone else says I don't have a eating disorder. So what is the point of gaing help for some that I don't "Have" right?!

I want help and I'm not getting it, I quiet